Saturday, 4 December 2010

An Anecdote

In the past few weeks, Master Settiano has been becoming more forceful in what He wants.  And i am loving it.  i no longer worry that W/we are doing something because i want to do it - i know that if W/we do something it is because He wants it.

A quick example - about a week ago i was feeling particularly slutty wearing a dress and no underwear and i really wanted to get on all fours as He fucked me from behind.  He didn't really feel like doing that.  So instead He brought out my new vibrator (the remote controlled rabbit) and fucked me with it.  It ended with me feeling like the slut i needed to feel like but it was on His terms and therefore fulfilled both of U/us much more than if He'd followed what i wanted.  To be clear, i didn't want Him to use the vibrator and made it quite clear but when He gave me that look (i'm sure you know which one i mean) i opened my legs anyway and just accepted it.  That was the best thing i could possibly have done.  Accepting it took me to a new level of my submission - a level where i know that even if i'm not completely happy doing something, doing it anyway will usually lead to good results.

So basically, it's about trust (as so much of TTWD is) and i feel that i am beginning to learn to trust Settiano's judgement, because He seems to trust Himself.  And by trusting Him, i hope i become a better submissive for Him.

Sunday, 21 November 2010


Last week i shaved my pubic hair for Master.  i have attempted to keep it shaved since but not doing so well with that as shaving short hairs really doesn't agree with my body.

But anyway, having my pussy shaved is something W/we have talked about many times and W/we were both interested in it.  What W/we weren't prepared for was the emotional reaction i would have to losing my hair down there.  It made me feel naked and exposed - that wasn't the bad part.  i felt as though a part of me was missing (i guess technically it was) and it took me a while to get used to the idea of being 'naked'.  It has been shaved for a week now and i'm beginning to get used to it, though i'm still not sure if i actually like it or not (not that that has any relevance to whether it stays shaved or not).  Master seems to love it and He's fucked me more times this week than He has for a while.  i'd like to think it was just my sexy charm but it would be naive to think that it has nothing to do with being shaved.

Sunday, 14 November 2010

my Return

So it seems that the posting sporadically turned into not posting at all and for that, my dear readers, i am truly sorry.  It would be futile for me to explain the past however many months, as i can barely remember them.  There was a period where O/our sexual life pretty much ceased.  And then W/we seemed to find O/our mojo again but only as boyfriend and girlfriend.  And now it seems W/we are back to D/s. 

i always knew W/we would return, it was just a question of when and how.  W/we are still working out the how.  W/we know that i need rules (W/we've scrapped everything from before and starting again) but Settiano wants rules that mean something.  So far the only rule is that i am not to touch my pussy or my breasts without His permission (except when washing and wiping).  This is to bring home that i am His, that i have lost my right to play with my body because it isn't mine - it's His.

W/we are also moving into a place of pain.  Not a lot of pain but He has started enjoying inflicting and i enjoy knowing that i am His to do with what He wants.

So i hope that this time around i'll be a better submissive and a better blogger.  i have missed you all so much and am trying to catch up on blog posts but only from the previous two weeks onwards - if you feel that there is something i probably missed that i should read i would really appreciate you leaving a link.  And i hope that this time around everything will work out better (in both O/our relationship and the relationship i have with all you blogging peeps).

Sunday, 18 July 2010


Day 4 (Friday) started well as you've already read. At about 3pm I started looking at porn. At about 4pm I lay on the bed with my bullet and got to work on my second edge. After reaching the edge I had a little rest but couldn't resist continuing. Unfortunately this was my downfall. Before you ask, no, I did not cum.

I should probably mention here that I used to have a porn/masturbation addiction of sorts. Before I met Settiano I would spend large portions of the day getting myself off and trawling the internet for anything to turn me on. It made me feel disgusting and dirty, which is exactly what turned me on, so I couldn't stop. When I started dating Settiano it died out a little at a time until I didn't even realise that it had stopped.

On Friday it all came back. Playing with myself under the sheets, thinking what a dirty slut I am to get myself closer. Unfortunately when I couldn't reach my third edge it hit me what was happening and it ended in tears.

We decided to leave this little test for another time (I think) and it wasn't until this morning that I had the courage to masturbate as I was so worried how it would effect my emotions and opinions of myself. It went well, I didn't cum but I did (sort of) enjoy it so I'm hoping that I can get back to my normal healthily sexual self. It may take time so please excuse any sporadic posting for a while, thank you.

Friday, 16 July 2010

Day 3

Wednesday Settiano decided to give me an extra edge. The thing is, I'm only allowed to stimulate myself if I'm giving myself an edge - and I have to do the set number of edges for the day. But other than that, Settiano can tease and stimulate me as much or as little as he wants. So on Wednesday he decided to put his fingers on my clit and rub and rub and rub until I couldn't take anymore.

Thursday (Day 3) I awoke a little horny but I was also half asleep. I figured getting to the edge would either wake me up or send me back to sleep so I reached for my vibe and pressed it against my clit. I got right up to the edge before allowing myself to move the vibe away. And for those of you interested, it woke me up. Settiano and I spent the day out (although quite a few hours of that was spent on a bus which was hell as I felt every little bump, gods, I hope one day to try sitting on a dildo on a bus as that will be hell and heaven in one. I didn't get another chance to edge until we were pretty much getting ready for bed. I imagined having my legs spread, my hands cuffed together using the vibe and being watched, surveyed. To add to it Settiano started looking me over which he knows always sets me going as being viewed as a piece of meat always turns me on. He got out his cock but wouldn't let me suck or even look at it much, though I was allowed to give him a short hand job. I almost came.

It took me a few minutes and random talking about nothing to bring me down again. Then it was straight back to using my vibe while Settiano weaved a fantasy (one that I can't even remember now). I got as close to the edge as I think I've ever been. I honestly believe that if I hadn't taken the vibe off when I did it would have been less than a second before I came. My body stayed at that level for quite a while and every sex thought I had made me want to cum so bad. But of course I didn't. Instead I tried to get to sleep. Being that horny made it almost impossible. OK, I did sleep eventually, and I slept well, but I was horny the whole time, even in my dreams I was so horny.

This morning (Day 4) I started using my fingers. However I just couldn't get the effect I wanted so once again I turned to my vibe. Settiano told me to imagine him using me hard and cumming inside me then forcing another woman's head into my pussy to lap up all his cum. It really didn't take me long to get to the edge. Now I'm looking forward to 3 more edges today

Wednesday, 14 July 2010

Day 2

Last night Settiano decided to drive me absolutely insane with his hands roaming over every part of my body except my pussy and weaving a fantasy - one in which I came many times. To say I was frustrated would be an understatement so I was very surprised that I got a good night's sleep; I think I must have just been that tired.

Today I wasn't really in the mood for anything so it was quite late in the afternoon that I started reading a few things online - mainly centering on denial - to get me in the mood for my first edge. I then needed a rest, during which my bullet (the main vibe I'll be using this week as it's the best one I've got with me and is practically silent) made it onto my clit. However it didn't really get interesting till Settiano started telling me a fantasy. I have to say that this is something he is brilliant with - not only can he turn me on with a look or a kiss, but he has an ability to tell fantasies so I can imagine them very vividly. I'm a writer but this is something I just can't do!

The fantasy centered on me being fucked and licking out another woman - this is one of our favourites and is used a lot. Today we also included a little bit of denial so I only came three times in the fantasy.

My vibe started to die so I decided to switch to fingers and got myself right to the very edge. It was at the point that if I'd kept going for any longer I would probably not have been able to control myself. For quite a while after this my body was still tingling and wracked with frustration as I wanted to cum so badly. Since then I have been quite motivated and I have felt my pussy constantly.

Watching me getting so close and knowing I wasn't getting any relief turned Settiano on a lot so I asked to suck his cock which he was more than happy to agree with. Unfortunately his mum interrupted us but I'm thinking I'll probably suck him off again tonight. Now I'm going to start using my vibe again and find me some porn.

Tuesday, 13 July 2010


Sorry I haven't written here in so long - so much has been happening and this blog sort of got stuck by the wayside. At the moment we are staying with Settiano's parents and family which has put an inordinate amount of strain on the BDSM aspect of our relationship. We weren't feeling sexual and I began to doubt myself as a submissive. So we decided to go on a break (hence the change in my writing here) til at least we are back at uni and at neither parents (after 6 weeks here, we'll be staying with my parents and siblings for 6 weeks).

Shortly after deciding this, something strange happened - we both started wanting sex. Obviously it's quite hard to give into it here and this week I'm on so we definitely won't be having sex :(
Anyway, last night I realised that I need dominance to turn me on really and I won't enjoy my sexuality without it. So I suggested that perhaps Settiano could still be my dominant when it comes to anything sexual and/or arousal. We know that this is quite similar to how we were doing it before but now I don't have the strain of pleasing all the time and the guilt I get when I'm not physically able. So physically our relationship has returned to the BDSM way it was, but mentally we are just boyfriend and girlfriend who enjoy kinky time in the bedroom. You can see why I haven't posted - please forgive me.

But I'm not finished. This morning I was looking at female chasity - particularly Agonizing Abstinence. One of my fantasies is that I'm not allowed to cum even when I want to. Settiano came over and saw what I was looking at and became interested. This was unexpected as I've mentioned it many times before but he's never found it something to be a turn on for him - until today. So we've decided that we'd like to experiment. As we're taking it slow, today is the first day of a 5 day abstinence for me. Today I had to edge (reach just before climax) myself once. Tomorrow I have to edge twice. The third day three times. You get the gist. Due to my M.E. if I'm unable to edge for a day due to inability then the task is postponed and I continue with how many edges I was up to the next day. If I don't meet quota then the next day I have to start at one again. I hope I've explained this relatively clearly.

Obviously I was quite horny as we were talking about it so started using my vibe - I just left it on my clit under my clothes while continuing to read about the subject so I was slowly getting closer but not too quickly as I wanted to enjoy the feeling. As I was getting closer, Settiano noticed and became hard. He took out his cock and got me to stroke it. It ended with me giving him a blowjob and him cumming so hard in my mouth that his legs barely held him up afterwards. I had pretty much edged during this as I made sure to rock onto the vibe as I sucked. He had a great orgasm, I had nothing. Am looking forward to tomorrow now and will try and remember to update here.

Wednesday, 9 June 2010


i started this blog to document how O/our relationship changes over time. Since then i have learnt that this is much harder to do than i anticipated.

It's not that W/we're not changing, more that the overall change is happening too slow for me to notice. Or else my emotions and feelings change so often that it would be futile to try to recall and write each of them down; it would be like trying to remember and tell every thought you had in a day.

What i have noticed is that my general attitude has changed. i am still the same person but now i'm much more relaxed about being submissive. i still think about what it means to be in a D/s relationship but not nearly as often as i once did. i believe that this is because i am more accepting to it. Not that i didn't want it before, but now i don't (often) want to dictate the relationship. i had an idea of what W/we should be like in my head and when it wasn't like that in real life i got confused or tried to manipulate U/us into my image of U/us. i don't try to do that now.

i've learnt that while W/we might not be how i imagined, W/we are better because W/we instinctively seem to know (usually) what each other needs. So i am now at peace with U/us progressing naturally. i am still just as excited to find out how O/our journey will unravel but now i am more concerned with living the journey rather than measuring the change.

Thursday, 3 June 2010

His Cum

For two nights i slept with His cum inside me. i have never felt so owned, nor so content. Every time i moved i was reminded that i am His by His cum leaking down my leg. i let it drip, knowing that that's where it belongs. i didn't want to wipe it away so for two nights i let it dry on me.

Those two nights were a big step for me as i didn't freak out once about what i am giving Him. Because, even though i knew it before, i am now completely certain that this is where i belong. With Him. His. Owned by Him. And it is the best way to lead to happiness.

i'm not saying i won't freak out again. i know me and i know i will. But i also know that now i can cope with the aftermath. i can cope because of Him, not in spite of Him. i am His and he is my Master. W/we belong together, with each other, with His cum in me, on me and wherever else He chooses.

Saturday, 29 May 2010


Master mentioned pain a week or so ago and ever since it has been in my mind. i want to be spanked. Hard. i want to be whipped, flogged, caned. The cane has caught my imagination the most. i imagine it biting into my arse and leaving red marks. Of course i have no way of knowing how it will feel. How any of it will feel as i have only been lightly spanked and flogged so far. Never hard enough to me release tears.

But today the pain scares me. i read this post and suddenly i don't want to know. i hate it when Master hurts my nipples. Even though i know He is barely pinching them. But after reading about that kind of pain i am glad He is not a sadist. But i still don't want Him going near my nipples for a while.

Of course, if He wants it, i will submit. But i already know that if that's what He asks of me right now, it will be the hardest thing ever to submit. i hope i would be able to. If He really wants it.

Tuesday, 25 May 2010


i have had my first experience with subspace. At least that is the only way i can comprehend it. i know it wasn't as deep as i know i will be able to go.

It was completely unexpected and happened sometime during or after Master fucked me. It was intense but not in the way i am used to. And i gained a sense of calm from serving. He was calling me a slut but i knew that right then i wasn't, but it didn't matter because i was His. i became completely focused Him.

After He had fucked me W/we lay together. i don't remember anything else. Except the feeling. i was immersed in Him and felt calm and happy and blissful.

Then i came out of it. Unfortunately i suddenly jumped out of it and was in a state of shock - shaking, cold and crying. Master let me cry, warmed me up and gave me chocolate - it wasn't long before i felt happy again. i can't wait for this feeling to come over me again though i won't look for it. Also i'm hoping i won't come out of it as suddenly as it ruined the emotionality of the feeling and the experience.

Master would like to know if anyone has any ideas as to how He can help ease me out of the subspace state?

Sunday, 23 May 2010


Yesterday i discovered a new mind-set. i was wearing my little girl dress (so named because the moment i put it on i enter the little girl mind-set) as Master said He missed Hiss little girl. Due to uni stresses for both of U/us she hasn't really had a chance to come out and play. i had been wearing the dress all day in anticipation but with jeans which has no where near the same effect. So when i took the jeans off i felt the transformation into a little girl. When i say little girl i mean i feel/think/act as if i'm between 5 and 8 yrs old (depending on situation) and this time was no differeint for the first few minutes.

That was when something changed. i'm not sure what changed exactly but i felt 15. Granted, a very naive 15 yr old but then again i was a very naive 15 yr old in real life (it's the age i got my first 'real' boyfriend and my first kiss). So yesterday when i felt 15 i had a whole scenario in my mind. i knew i was with my boyfriend who was about 20 (which is His real age) but i also felt as if it was the beginning of the relationship. i felt ready for sex (something i definitely wasn't ready for at 15) yet i was slightly unsure as i felt a virgin.

Now in the back of my mind i knew who i am, how old i am etc. as i always do. But i honestly felt and believed i was the teenager. i didn't act it out, i was it. i know this sounds completely crazy but if i had allowed the back of my mind to switch off i do believe i would have been that 15 yr old until my mind snapped out of it. i didn't need to create her, she was already somewhere inside me and i feel happy for her that she has found a way out to express herself.

i really enjoyed being the teenager - she is the teenager i wish i had been - and i'm looking forward to many experiences with her. There is nothing like being a teenager in love for the first time. Though of course i would take my submission and love for Master any day.

Friday, 21 May 2010

Written 16th May

Lately i have not been feeling particularly comfortable as a submissive and last night i worked out why. Yesterday a situation arose and i responded as any girlfriend would - i got angry and went home to get some space. But i feel that that wasn't how a submissive should react and i'm still working out what i should have done. When i was trying to calm down i had two opposing thoughts. The girlfriend knew she had every right to get mad a ther boyfriend. The submissive knew she shouldn't have reacted that way and wanted to apologise and make it up to her Master. The problem was that Sir Settiano reacted to the situation as a boyfriend would which has made the line between boyfriend/girlfriend and Master/submissiver become so blurry i no longer know where i stand. i think it has been happening for a while but i have only just noticed.

i feel like i want to be owned in every aspect of my life but at the moment Sir is only able to command my body. Don't get me wrong, i absolutely love Him being my Master in the bedroom as it were, but i want/need Him to be my Master in the rest of my life as well. i need Him to learn how to control my mind and my feelings as well as my body. i don't know how to help Him other than to let Him know how i feel (which is what i am doing now) but i need to feel as if i'm Him, not just know it.

Thursday, 20 May 2010


As you may have noticed, my blogging buzz has come back. It seems to be in sync with my submission. When i wasn't feeling particularly submissive and O/our relationship was in a natural lull, my blogging seemed to follow suit.

Andn ow things are picking up again. W/we are both reaching the end of the uni year meaning W/we are anticipating lots of time when W/we can focus on U/us and give plenty of thought to O/our D/s lifestyle. With that comes a sudden influx of thoughts and ideas i want to share with you. i am hoping my M.E. won't bring me down again and prevent me from being as motivated and rejuvinated as i feel.

Monday, 17 May 2010

Submission & Disability

As i mentioned in my previous post, i have M.E. also known as C.F.S. Lately i have been going through a particularly bad phase where i rarely leave the house because i simply don't have the energy and standing for any period of time can be very painful. Through all this my Master has supported me and looked after me in a way that only love and devotion can cause. And i am ever so grateful to Him.

i have always been independant so having to rely on anyone has always been difficult. Yet i have learnt to accept Master's help. But still i often feel a failure as i am unable to serve in the way i feel i should. Master says it does not matter as He understands. But it matters to me as i feel i am unable to serve Him properly. He deserves someone who can cook and clean and give Him blowjobs on demand. And i can't always hive Him this. He says He wants me. But i need more than Him, i need to serve Him. Without it i am unfulfilled.

i am still His but i am finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that sometimes i need Him to care for me. i don't like being a burden. But equally i knwo that if i overdo it i will never recover enough to serve Him the way i dream.

Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Coming Out

i am aware that this post is two days late so firstly i must thank Master for granting me the extension due to uni work and my M.E. playing up. i have had a post in mind for quite a while and as it is to do with my uni work i might as well write it now.

One of my subjects within my course is Creative Non-Fiction which is mainly things like autobiography. i decided to write about my D/s lifestyle as it is the most important part of my life and i have the need to share it with others. When i asked about telling other people in BDSM forums i was met with shock and told to continue with caution as apparantly most people have such a misunderstanding of BDSM that they assume the worst of it such as abuse. To me, that is part of the reason i wanted to write about it - to give people a chance to understand me and why i live the way i do before they judge me for it. And it was something i felt i needed to write.

Now that i have finished writing it (and have handed it in) i am so glad i did so. Writing it was hard as finding the words to explain how i feel about certain things didn't come easy. But it meant i learnt myself what i really wanted to say and how i wanted to explain my relationship. i wrote mainly about the feelings and the relationship side of D/s. i am aware that there are many different ways of living this lifestyle and i wanted to make sure that the reader was aware that i was only talking of my experiences.

However, i found that my class was as supportive as i'd expected. My tutor was well informed about BDSM as she covers parts of it in Writing and Sexuality which is module i'm hoping to take next year. Most of my classmates had no understanding of BDSM but they all seemed to find it really interesting and when something was unclear or they had misunderstood my writing made sure that i corrected it so that it couldn't be misread. My class mainly focused on the writing itself (it is a creative writing course) but also suggested things that could be included. i was never judged for what i was writing about. i am surprised that so many people in the BDSM world have had negative experiences with 'vanilla' people not understanding them. i was brought up to accept everyone and never judge something i did not understand, and so, it appears, was most of my class (and if they did judge it was never mentioned).

Many people have said how brave i am for telling the truth about my relationship but i don't see it as something to hide. There is nothing wrong with what i do. i know that some people will disagree with that last statement but that is their choice and i believe that if more people spoke honestly, BDSM would not be so misunderstood. i'm not suggesting you tell your family (it isn't normal to want to tell your family when and how you have sex whether it be BDSM or not) or anyone you feel uncomfortable with but it can be a relief to let someone else know. My best friend was one of the first people i told. She still doesn't understand it but she accepts me for who i am - if she didn't, she wouldn't be my best friend. So why are we so afraid to speak up about what we do?

Saturday, 1 May 2010

Response to 'Stoic'

After reading Swan's post here i knew that i needed to write a response. But now as i read it a second time i am struck by a completely different section of it, just goes to show how 24 hours can alter your perceptions on something.

Before, i wanted to focus on the subject that Swan is talking about - being stoic. i've never really considered this word before but after Swan's post i believe that that is how i used to live my life. It wasn't without joy or grief but what i felt of those emotions is just a single percentage to how i feel them now. The difference? Master. i know that it wasn't actually Master who brought me out of that state but He has been with me every step of the way, leading and helping me along. Because the reason that i was 'stoic' was fear (though i think i knew that on some level, i pushed it to the back of my mind). i was afraid that if i let myself feel anything i would open myself up to the hurt and pain others could cause me. i am still scared of being hurt, now more than ever because i now don't have a barricade. But the barricade between me and love & trust has also been taken down so i would say it has been worth it.

However, with the barricade down, i have been swamped with every emotion, often many in quick succession and in their extremes. This happened again this morning and led me down a quite destructive thought path. So today, when i reread the post, i was hit by the words "the internal life of the mind and the emotions remains within our power to direct. Our opinions are up to us, as are our impulses, desires, aversions, fears." i had not considered that and so have allowed myself to be swept along with with emotions. But i am realising that i want to have control of them once again - not to block them out but to direct them which, i believe, will make me a better submissive as Master shouldn't have to constantly deal the ups and downs i have been throwing Him. i know that it will be hard to learn to control my emotions and i know it won't happen overnight. But making the decision is the first step.

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Needing More

Now that i am beginning to accept that Settiano as Master and myself as His, i am finding myself wanting me. The problem is that the wanting only seems to occur when i am not with His. When He is actually using me it can still be quite confusing and difficult to deal with. So i am wondering what is i really want. And if it matters, unless i actually need it, as it is what He wants and needs that comes first.

i think that it does matter, clearly the fact that i'm writing this is showing that i feel i need something, i'm just not sure what that something is. It is important because not having it is taking my focus away from Master and serving Him.

And i think that that is one of the things i need - focus. It is easy enough to focus when He is making me beg t be fucked or to make me cum. But obviously we aren't having sex all the time. So i need my focus shifted onto serving Him the rest of the time - when i am with Him and when i'm not (physically). So as i believe it is my job to focus myself as much as it is Master's, i (and Master would as well) appreciate any advice on how i can focus myself on Him.

Thursday, 22 April 2010


This post is not about being ordered about or ordering other people but being ordered for at a restaurant.

i am the type of person who is the first to order, loudly and clearly. Last night my Master decided He was going to order for me. Of course i did not argue, especially as i've always felt a slight resentment that He doesn't always clearly take the lead. i always wanted Him to order for me or at least go first, to stop me being so assertive, and last night i got my wish.

i'm still not entirely sure how i feel about it, though i'm certain it is in no way a negative reaction. i suddenly felt very submissive and could feel my body reacting submissively towards Master. That was one of the best feelings i've felt as a sub. Part of me even wondered how being forbidden to speak to anyone other than Master would feel - i hope to find out some day.

Being ordered for also slightly put me into little girl mode as i had my power but also my responsibility stripped from me publicly (in a sense).

What surprised me most was how comfortable i felt in the situation. i felt relieved that Master has become comfortable enough in His role to take it out of the bedroom. As He becomes more confident it is becoming easier for me to accept my role. i have also started acting more submissive as it's a natural reaction to His dominance. This is when i love and enjoy D/s. Not to mean that this is not what i want the rest of the time, but feeling natural is definitely best and it is also the time i most feel ready to accept the challenges of submission and to have my submission stretched.

Tuesday, 20 April 2010

The Necklace

My necklace (the one you see with my profile) is what some people would call my collar. i wear it all the time to show that i am owned. However i don't feel that it is a full-collar. W/we have not been together long enough to take that step (to me, being collared is akin to being married).

It wasn't until last week when the chain broke that i realised just how important this necklace is. Without it round my neck i felt lost and spent most of the day clutching the pendant while Master rushed off to buy a new chain. The necklace may mean that i am owned but to me it shows that i am loved and wanted and safe.

A few days later the new chain came undone and the pendant couldn't be found anywhere. Understandably i was very upset. However, later when Master was inside me, i could feel it around my neck - by it i mean His ownership.

W/we have found the pendant and it is around my neck once again. But i now know that although the necklace is a physical symbol of His ownership and love for me, it is He that is important, He that owns me and loves me and He who i think about when i feel the necklace around my neck.

i guess the point i'm trying to make is that while physical items can be important, they are not as important as what you feel and believe. If i had concentrated on the fact that my Master loved and owned me rather than focusing on the lost necklace i could have prevented a lot of bad feelings. In fact, it wasn't until i had accepted that the necklace wasn't His ownership but a symbol of it that i found the pendant when i wasn't even looking for it.

Thursday, 15 April 2010

On Serving

my Master asked me to think and write about why i serve Him. The first part is bullet points as ideas came to me, the second is my overall explanation.
  • Because it is a physical and outward way of showing how i feel about Him
  • Because i have a deep need to serve to truly be who i am
  • Because i believe that He has the ability to see my essence (i don't use the word soul) and release it through my submission
  • Because i need the appreciation and validation (of myself and my ability to please) that only a Master or Owner can give me
  • Because i need to please to feel fulfilled
  • Because i need the feeling of happiness i get when He says 'good girl' in that voice
  • Because His dominance lets me know i am loved, wanted and cherished
i serve Him simply because it is my most natural way of being. Serving is not a mask, but what happens when i take the mask off. It is an exposure of what is in my heart and essence. i serve because it is the way of being that i have chosen. It fulfills my need to be wanted, to be happy - all while being myself.

i serve Him because i trust Him. Yes i love Him which helps immensely with the serving, but i can still serve Him without love. i feel that He understands who i am (even if i don't) in the same way i understand Him. The universe has connected U/us and i think this is because W/we make each other strong, happy and fulfilled. W/we are 2 sides of the same coin and need each other to bring U/us out at O/our best. i also believe that D/s doesn't define U/us but gives U/us a firm structure as a base. It may not be necessary but without it W/we wouldn't last long. i see D/s as the foundation of O/our relationship. It may wobble but the foundation will keep it up-right. Without the foundation, the wobbles may make it fall in ruins. So i serve as it is the best way forward (in my mind) for U/us to build a strong and lasting relationship

Friday, 9 April 2010

Valentine's Day Part 2

W/we snuggled on the bed watching episodes of friends to unwind. i found myself slipping into little girl mode. This is a relatively new area for U/us and isn't usually particularly sexual - this time was different. Sir told me to tell Him what i wanted and even though it was hard for me to admit it, i told Him the truth - that i wanted to feel His hand on my thigh.

i was scared to admit it because i knew that it was 'wrong' (my mindset was that of an innocent and naive girl) but i couldn't resist how good Sir's hand felt between my legs. Sir obliged and slowly moved it up, always asking His naught girl if she wanted it higher (He made it clear beforehand that although He was calling me naught, i hadn't done anything wrong). Suddenly Sir put a finger into my pussy, it felt strange but very nice so when He asked if i wanted it deeper i had to say yes. Eventually the finger would go no deeper so He said He'd have to use His cock.

He made me hold it in my hand first before He moved on top of me and slowly inserted it in. As He did so, Sir talked to me telling me how well i was doing but also explaining to me what was happening. As i felt my orgasm build, Sir talked me through the feelings and then i exploded.

Although in the back of my mind i knew i'd had sex and orgasms many times before, this honestly felt like my first time. Sir kept fucking me and i could feel myself getting close again. When He came, that pushed me over the edge and i came hard once again. After this rather intense mini-roleplay scene, it took me a while to come out of little girl mode.

W/we continued to snuggle with lots of kissing (W/we hadn't kissed at all during the time that i was in little girl mode). W/we were getting close to sleep (it was about 2.30am) but Sir let me finger myself before He turned the light out. He watched as i used my fingers on my clit - sometimes mentioning little fantasies to spur me on. It wasn't too long before i was begging to cum and Master allowed me (which i hadn't been expecting). It is weird for me that He wants me to orgasm for Him just so He can watch but am more than happy when He springs these treats on me. i don't particularly like being watched but once i get started, it is the last thing i worry about as i'm much more into my own pleasure.

Then W/we went to sleep. The next day wasn't particularly eventful as W/we just snuggled and recovered from O/our very late (and very pleasurable) night.

Thursday, 8 April 2010


i know i promised you the rest of the Valentine's Day story and i will post it tomorrow, but my Master has asked me to post about something that happened today so that's what i'm going to do.

Today Master owned me. He watched me, He felt my skin, but most of all He fucked me. i was His and my job was to give His cock pleasure with my pussy. He didn't ask for it because it is already His. His to use, His to play with, His to show off to others.

He told me what He could do. That He could invite anyone into the room and order me to strip. Or i could be tied to the bed, already naked. He let me imagine. Being naked in a room full of people. Their hands on my breasts, on my arse and in my pussy. They would be allowed to play with me but never fuck me. Only He can fuck me for i am His.

This was the fantasy He weaved as He used my body. And i wanted it, i craved it. Because it bore the truth - i am His to use however and be used by whoever He chooses. It is still only a fantasy to have Him watch me being used by others, but one day i will be ready for it. But the being owned - that is the reality and fills my heart with happiness every time i feel it.

I'm Back

Hi everyone, sorry that it has taken me so long to return to this blog. To begin with I didn't have the use of my laptop, then i was trying to get a lot of uni work done, then my M.E. kicked in and felt too late to return. But now i am returning, my Master has insisted. And He has also said that He will be working out a way to incorporate my blog into my rules so you should all be hearing a lot more from me and thank you for sticking with me during my long absence.

Tuesday, 2 March 2010


This is just to say sorry that it is taking so long to continue my story of Valentine's Day - it is written in the notebook i write for this blog, but my laptop is without a power lead and there is no battery left, i am feeling lost without it but managing to cope somehow. Hopefully it will be sorted soon and you will all be able to enjoy any imagery i manage to provide of that awesome night and morning.

Monday, 22 February 2010

Valentine's Day Part 1

W/we welcomed Valentine's day with Master's cock in my mouth. Sucking His cock is one of my all time favourite activities and this time was the top end of experiences. He gave me only one command and that was to please Him, which had been my intent anyway. It started with Him lying on His side then on His back with me licking His shaft, sucking on His balls and then seeing how much of Him i could get into my mouth and throat. After a while, He stood up and i continued bobbing my head up and down - i was in heaven. At about quarter past midnight, Sir came in my mouth and i swallowed it all down.

W/we rested a while, on the bed, me completely naked and Master wearing His boxers, just snuggling together. It wasn't long however, before i started grinding my pussy against His leg. When He realised what i was doing, He tensed His leg and moved so i couldn't get the pleasure i wanted, so my movements became much more with the thrusting. Master told me to imagine i was fucking a large dildo that was being held in place. This was when Master moved His leg away so i was fucking the air.

"you're such a slut."

"i know Sir."

"you know what?"

"That i'm a slut Sir"

"Who's slut?"

"i'm Your slut Sir."

He let me continue fucking the air for a while, constantly reminding me of what a slut i was. Eventually i started begging for Him to fuck me. i was soaking and just wanted/needed Him inside me. He said He was waiting for me to look completely desperate. Finally, after what seemed like forever to me, He pulled me onto my back, opened my legs and ... didn't enter me. No, He tortured me some more, making sure i could feel His cock so close to my pussy. And then He slammed it in. And He pounded and pounded me, grabbing my wrists and hair in the process - telling me what a slut i was and that i was His slut. i absolutely loved it and found myself begging for more and more and had to use a lot of effort not to make too much noise as my housemates were home. Just as Master was about to cum, He looked me in the eye and said "cum". i exploded on that word as i had been holding back until i had permission. It was fantastic and afterwards He held me and told me how well i'd done. i felt so proud of myself and happy that i'd pleased my Master. But that was just the first of many orgasms that day.

To be continued ...

Tuesday, 16 February 2010


W/we believe that part of the problem (where i'm not feeling submissive) is that i don't have many rules to follow. So Master Settiano has written a list of rules - most of which are for both of U/us to follow (He says it's unreasonable to expect me to do them if He is unwilling to Himself). The rules may be added to/ edited and as they are, i will update here.

The rules are:

1. Ask if you want something, don't push for it.
~ This is one of the hardest rules for me as i often feel that if i've asked for something then He is only doing it because i've asked. However, i am learning that just because i ask for something doesn't stop it being His decision.

2. If you don't understand, ask.

3. When you are ill or unable to complete a task, tell the other, because ten the rules may bend.

4. Look after yourself.

5. Create weekly goals for university.

6. Do one hour minimum of uni work a day, with exception to the weekend.

7. If you feel the task is unrealistic, inform Master.
~ This is because Master is still learning as well, and by letting Him know how i feel, He can make a decision whether i still have to do it or if He would rather change it.

8. If you are clubing without Master, text Him hourly when you are there.

9. Only 3 alcoholic drinks are allowed per night (only one of which may be a glass of wine) unless stated by Master.

10. Personal space is always needed. 2 hours minimum every other day apart from each other (excluding time at uni).

11. you must post in your blog at least once in every five days (1st -5th, 6th-10th etc). The 31st day of a month is an extra day in the following week.

In addition to these rules, Master has also written a list of what He wants from me. In His words:

I want someone who can Love and Submit.
I want someone who I can confide in and who can confide in Me.
I want someone who can care for me.
I want someone who can be used at My whim.
I want someone who I can Love and Care for.
I want someone who can make Me happy and laugh.
I want someone who can be Mine.

As you can see, most of the above points relate to O/our relationship generally and could be applied to almost any relationship. D/s is an integral part of O/our relationship but i feel much better knowing that my submission is not all He wants nor expects from me.

Since these rules have been written i feel much safer and more confident in my place as Settiano's submissive and although W/we still have a lot to work out in regards to O/our dominance and submission, i feel that W/we have taken a solid step towards O/our future together.

P.S. i'm going to be writing about O/our valentine's day soon!

Wednesday, 10 February 2010

The reason i haven't posted much of anything lately is simply because i just haven't been feeling that submissive lately. In my heart i know i want to show my Master how wonderful His submissive can be but in reality i'm finding it difficult to do anything submissive at all.

W/we don't know why i have been feeling like this and so it is very difficult for U/us to find a solution. i know that along with not feeling particularly submissive i have also not felt very owned. Logic tells me that Settiano owns me but i just cannot feel this at the moment - i have been tempted to misbehave just so i will get punishment and have been using all of my self-control to stop myself.

Not only am i feeling unowned and lost, but also guilty. i know i haven't done anything wrong so guilt is unnecessary. Yet it is still there - telling me that i am a rubbish submissive who doesn't deserve such a great Master, especially when i clearly need something that He cannot or doesn't know how to give.

In all, i am not in the best headspace at the moment so tried throwing myself into my uni work which left little time for much else. Now it has flipped and i now can't find the motivation to do anything; getting out of bed to type this was a struggle and i don't know how to stop this feeling of utter uselessness.

Saturday, 6 February 2010

How we became W/we

The start of O/our relationship is possibly a little unusual for D/s as neither of U/us were looking for it. W/we met through the pagan society at university last year and immediately became good friends. However, W/we were the type of friends who make no extra effort to see each other so although W/we didn't start 'going out' until months after W/we first met; it was in reality only the third or fourth time that W/we saw each other before W/we realised W/we were meant to be together (or, O/our friends did and pushed U/us until W/we couldn't disagree).

W/we spent three amazing weeks in each other's constant company before i realised i wanted more - i wanted to give myself to Him and have Him own me. It should be mentioned here that i already knew about my fetishes of being bound and used like a slut. It wasn't until i met Settiano though that i finally understood the emotional side of submission (of course, i still don't understand it completely as it is an organic process in constant change and flux). Anyway, when i realised what i wanted i told Him 'i want You to own me'. This was very difficult as i knew i'd be worried that He was only doing it because i wanted it (this is what has happened in the past with previous boyfriends). W/we then spent four agonising weeks apart due to the summer holidays but during this time W/we kept in constant contact and W/we both did a lot of research into D/s as a lifestyle choice.

When W/we were together again W/we experimented a little but as W/we were both new to D/s it didn't work out as W/we'd hoped; so W/we decided to go back to vanilla with kinky sex for a while. Evetually the D/s crept back into O/our lives and on October 18th 2009 W/we realised that that is who W/we are - this was the date when i realised that i was ready to be His.

W/we are now moving into a new level of D/s with training sessions for specific things. This is why i have started this blog - i am ready to become the best possible slave for Master Settiano and need somewhere to document the changes (although i'm aware i'll never be the best as there'll always be more to learn).

And, just to be clear, Master Settiano isn't doing this because i want it as i feared He would. He has often said that i simply unleashed something that was already inside of Him but He didn't have an outlet before He found D/s. Even i am beginning to realise this as He is finding His way and style - i'm loving it and i love Him.

Saturday, 30 January 2010

The Little 'i'

You may have noticed that i am using a little 'i' when i refer to myself. This is at the request of my Master - it shows who is in command.

i personally have had (and sometimes still have) many issues with the use of the little 'i' and not just because i am a writer. i have felt that it makes my role* as a submissive more insignificant than my Master's role as dominant. Therefore making me feel insignificant in the relationship. i know that i am not insignificant and that my Master doesn't see me as such, but that is how i've felt when made to reduce myself to little letters.

i still have these feeling sometimes but they are occurring less often. The reason i have continued using the little 'i' is because my Master has asked it of me. The one thing i want to do in this world is to please Him. And if He feels that showing my respect towards Him through the use of the little 'i' is important then i will try and follow that protocol.

However, i have never had issues capitalising pronouns that relate to Master Settiano. In my mind it distinguishes Him from everybody else - not to imply that He is better than everyone else (He is only human) but to imply that He is the centre of my world.

* i do not see my submission as a game or something i act out - it is in every aspect of O/our relationship and part of who i am. The reason i use the word 'role' here is because it is not all that i am.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

Demanding and Needy

Yesterday i realised just how demanding i can be. Master had to do a lot of uni work for most of yesterday and i got really upset because, as He hadn't replied instantly to my messages and He had only been able to see me for less than an hour, it felt as if i was being abandoned and as if He didn't care. i know that He did care but had a lot on His mind. But it still stung that i wasn't His number one priority (even though it was just for a few hours).

Of course, once i realised how demanding and selfish i was being, i couldn't help feeling guilty. Surely it isn't my place to demand His attention? But that is who i am. i crave attention and that is probably the sole trait of little girlness (i have only just begun to relate to being a little girl though very rarely and not age play). Nothing in the world compares to how i feel when He says the two words 'good girl'. This is the attention i crave but i'm just as happy for Master to torture my tits (again, W/we have only just started exploring pain play so nothing like the torture in BDSM movies which, by the way, i find a real turn-off). But that's the problem - i need constant attention to keep me happy; but surely submission should be about being happy just by making Him happy (which i don't feel i'm doing by being so demanding and needing His attention constantly).

What i do know is i'm gld i'm not a dom as being demanding seems to be a trait of many subs and the one thing i can't stand is neediness - such a hypocrite, i know.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010


i hate first posts - i always feel that i have so much to explain and tell any readers who may stumble here that i don't know where to start.

So i'll start with blogging. i am blogging for myself. It is a chance to show myself for who i am, and in the process learn something about myself. It is a place to document my journey so i can look back and see the changes.

And it is for the reader. Over the past seven months (since i have been with Master Settiano) i have become a reader of blogs (which you can find on my profile) bye submissives' and dominants' and they have helped me in more ways than i can explain. They have made me see that i am not alone, yet everyone has their own approach to D/s; they have also helped to mould me into the submissive i am/am becoming.

i have decided it is time to document my own submissiveness so that others may gain an understanding. i am who and what i am and i need to share that with the world - so i have created this blog.