An Anecdote

In the past few weeks, Master Settiano has been becoming more forceful in what He wants.  And i am loving it.  i no longer worry that W/we are doing something because i want to do it - i know that if W/we do something it is because He wants it.

A quick example - about a week ago i was feeling particularly slutty wearing a dress and no underwear and i really wanted to get on all fours as He fucked me from behind.  He didn't really feel like doing that.  So instead He brought out my new vibrator (the remote controlled rabbit) and fucked me with it.  It ended with me feeling like the slut i needed to feel like but it was on His terms and therefore fulfilled both of U/us much more than if He'd followed what i wanted.  To be clear, i didn't want Him to use the vibrator and made it quite clear but when He gave me that look (i'm sure you know which one i mean) i opened my legs anyway and just accepted it.  That was the best thing i could possibly have done.  Accepting it took me to a new level of my submission - a level where i know that even if i'm not completely happy doing something, doing it anyway will usually lead to good results.

So basically, it's about trust (as so much of TTWD is) and i feel that i am beginning to learn to trust Settiano's judgement, because He seems to trust Himself.  And by trusting Him, i hope i become a better submissive for Him.

Changing

i started this blog to document how O/our relationship changes over time. Since then i have learnt that this is much harder to do than i anticipated.

It's not that W/we're not changing, more that the overall change is happening too slow for me to notice. Or else my emotions and feelings change so often that it would be futile to try to recall and write each of them down; it would be like trying to remember and tell every thought you had in a day.

What i have noticed is that my general attitude has changed. i am still the same person but now i'm much more relaxed about being submissive. i still think about what it means to be in a D/s relationship but not nearly as often as i once did. i believe that this is because i am more accepting to it. Not that i didn't want it before, but now i don't (often) want to dictate the relationship. i had an idea of what W/we should be like in my head and when it wasn't like that in real life i got confused or tried to manipulate U/us into my image of U/us. i don't try to do that now.

i've learnt that while W/we might not be how i imagined, W/we are better because W/we instinctively seem to know (usually) what each other needs. So i am now at peace with U/us progressing naturally. i am still just as excited to find out how O/our journey will unravel but now i am more concerned with living the journey rather than measuring the change.

His Cum

For two nights i slept with His cum inside me. i have never felt so owned, nor so content. Every time i moved i was reminded that i am His by His cum leaking down my leg. i let it drip, knowing that that's where it belongs. i didn't want to wipe it away so for two nights i let it dry on me.

Those two nights were a big step for me as i didn't freak out once about what i am giving Him. Because, even though i knew it before, i am now completely certain that this is where i belong. With Him. His. Owned by Him. And it is the best way to lead to happiness.

i'm not saying i won't freak out again. i know me and i know i will. But i also know that now i can cope with the aftermath. i can cope because of Him, not in spite of Him. i am His and he is my Master. W/we belong together, with each other, with His cum in me, on me and wherever else He chooses.

Written 16th May

Lately i have not been feeling particularly comfortable as a submissive and last night i worked out why. Yesterday a situation arose and i responded as any girlfriend would - i got angry and went home to get some space. But i feel that that wasn't how a submissive should react and i'm still working out what i should have done. When i was trying to calm down i had two opposing thoughts. The girlfriend knew she had every right to get mad a ther boyfriend. The submissive knew she shouldn't have reacted that way and wanted to apologise and make it up to her Master. The problem was that Sir Settiano reacted to the situation as a boyfriend would which has made the line between boyfriend/girlfriend and Master/submissiver become so blurry i no longer know where i stand. i think it has been happening for a while but i have only just noticed.

i feel like i want to be owned in every aspect of my life but at the moment Sir is only able to command my body. Don't get me wrong, i absolutely love Him being my Master in the bedroom as it were, but i want/need Him to be my Master in the rest of my life as well. i need Him to learn how to control my mind and my feelings as well as my body. i don't know how to help Him other than to let Him know how i feel (which is what i am doing now) but i need to feel as if i'm Him, not just know it.

Submission & Disability

As i mentioned in my previous post, i have M.E. also known as C.F.S. Lately i have been going through a particularly bad phase where i rarely leave the house because i simply don't have the energy and standing for any period of time can be very painful. Through all this my Master has supported me and looked after me in a way that only love and devotion can cause. And i am ever so grateful to Him.

i have always been independant so having to rely on anyone has always been difficult. Yet i have learnt to accept Master's help. But still i often feel a failure as i am unable to serve in the way i feel i should. Master says it does not matter as He understands. But it matters to me as i feel i am unable to serve Him properly. He deserves someone who can cook and clean and give Him blowjobs on demand. And i can't always hive Him this. He says He wants me. But i need more than Him, i need to serve Him. Without it i am unfulfilled.

i am still His but i am finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that sometimes i need Him to care for me. i don't like being a burden. But equally i knwo that if i overdo it i will never recover enough to serve Him the way i dream.

Needing More

Now that i am beginning to accept that Settiano as Master and myself as His, i am finding myself wanting me. The problem is that the wanting only seems to occur when i am not with His. When He is actually using me it can still be quite confusing and difficult to deal with. So i am wondering what is i really want. And if it matters, unless i actually need it, as it is what He wants and needs that comes first.

i think that it does matter, clearly the fact that i'm writing this is showing that i feel i need something, i'm just not sure what that something is. It is important because not having it is taking my focus away from Master and serving Him.

And i think that that is one of the things i need - focus. It is easy enough to focus when He is making me beg t be fucked or to make me cum. But obviously we aren't having sex all the time. So i need my focus shifted onto serving Him the rest of the time - when i am with Him and when i'm not (physically). So as i believe it is my job to focus myself as much as it is Master's, i (and Master would as well) appreciate any advice on how i can focus myself on Him.

Ordering

This post is not about being ordered about or ordering other people but being ordered for at a restaurant.

i am the type of person who is the first to order, loudly and clearly. Last night my Master decided He was going to order for me. Of course i did not argue, especially as i've always felt a slight resentment that He doesn't always clearly take the lead. i always wanted Him to order for me or at least go first, to stop me being so assertive, and last night i got my wish.

i'm still not entirely sure how i feel about it, though i'm certain it is in no way a negative reaction. i suddenly felt very submissive and could feel my body reacting submissively towards Master. That was one of the best feelings i've felt as a sub. Part of me even wondered how being forbidden to speak to anyone other than Master would feel - i hope to find out some day.

Being ordered for also slightly put me into little girl mode as i had my power but also my responsibility stripped from me publicly (in a sense).

What surprised me most was how comfortable i felt in the situation. i felt relieved that Master has become comfortable enough in His role to take it out of the bedroom. As He becomes more confident it is becoming easier for me to accept my role. i have also started acting more submissive as it's a natural reaction to His dominance. This is when i love and enjoy D/s. Not to mean that this is not what i want the rest of the time, but feeling natural is definitely best and it is also the time i most feel ready to accept the challenges of submission and to have my submission stretched.

Rules

W/we believe that part of the problem (where i'm not feeling submissive) is that i don't have many rules to follow. So Master Settiano has written a list of rules - most of which are for both of U/us to follow (He says it's unreasonable to expect me to do them if He is unwilling to Himself). The rules may be added to/ edited and as they are, i will update here.

The rules are:

1. Ask if you want something, don't push for it.
~ This is one of the hardest rules for me as i often feel that if i've asked for something then He is only doing it because i've asked. However, i am learning that just because i ask for something doesn't stop it being His decision.

2. If you don't understand, ask.

3. When you are ill or unable to complete a task, tell the other, because ten the rules may bend.

4. Look after yourself.

5. Create weekly goals for university.

6. Do one hour minimum of uni work a day, with exception to the weekend.

7. If you feel the task is unrealistic, inform Master.
~ This is because Master is still learning as well, and by letting Him know how i feel, He can make a decision whether i still have to do it or if He would rather change it.

8. If you are clubing without Master, text Him hourly when you are there.

9. Only 3 alcoholic drinks are allowed per night (only one of which may be a glass of wine) unless stated by Master.

10. Personal space is always needed. 2 hours minimum every other day apart from each other (excluding time at uni).

11. you must post in your blog at least once in every five days (1st -5th, 6th-10th etc). The 31st day of a month is an extra day in the following week.

In addition to these rules, Master has also written a list of what He wants from me. In His words:

I want someone who can Love and Submit.
I want someone who I can confide in and who can confide in Me.
I want someone who can care for me.
I want someone who can be used at My whim.
I want someone who I can Love and Care for.
I want someone who can make Me happy and laugh.
I want someone who can be Mine.

As you can see, most of the above points relate to O/our relationship generally and could be applied to almost any relationship. D/s is an integral part of O/our relationship but i feel much better knowing that my submission is not all He wants nor expects from me.

Since these rules have been written i feel much safer and more confident in my place as Settiano's submissive and although W/we still have a lot to work out in regards to O/our dominance and submission, i feel that W/we have taken a solid step towards O/our future together.

P.S. i'm going to be writing about O/our valentine's day soon!

The reason i haven't posted much of anything lately is simply because i just haven't been feeling that submissive lately. In my heart i know i want to show my Master how wonderful His submissive can be but in reality i'm finding it difficult to do anything submissive at all.

W/we don't know why i have been feeling like this and so it is very difficult for U/us to find a solution. i know that along with not feeling particularly submissive i have also not felt very owned. Logic tells me that Settiano owns me but i just cannot feel this at the moment - i have been tempted to misbehave just so i will get punishment and have been using all of my self-control to stop myself.

Not only am i feeling unowned and lost, but also guilty. i know i haven't done anything wrong so guilt is unnecessary. Yet it is still there - telling me that i am a rubbish submissive who doesn't deserve such a great Master, especially when i clearly need something that He cannot or doesn't know how to give.

In all, i am not in the best headspace at the moment so tried throwing myself into my uni work which left little time for much else. Now it has flipped and i now can't find the motivation to do anything; getting out of bed to type this was a struggle and i don't know how to stop this feeling of utter uselessness.

Demanding and Needy

Yesterday i realised just how demanding i can be. Master had to do a lot of uni work for most of yesterday and i got really upset because, as He hadn't replied instantly to my messages and He had only been able to see me for less than an hour, it felt as if i was being abandoned and as if He didn't care. i know that He did care but had a lot on His mind. But it still stung that i wasn't His number one priority (even though it was just for a few hours).

Of course, once i realised how demanding and selfish i was being, i couldn't help feeling guilty. Surely it isn't my place to demand His attention? But that is who i am. i crave attention and that is probably the sole trait of little girlness (i have only just begun to relate to being a little girl though very rarely and not age play). Nothing in the world compares to how i feel when He says the two words 'good girl'. This is the attention i crave but i'm just as happy for Master to torture my tits (again, W/we have only just started exploring pain play so nothing like the torture in BDSM movies which, by the way, i find a real turn-off). But that's the problem - i need constant attention to keep me happy; but surely submission should be about being happy just by making Him happy (which i don't feel i'm doing by being so demanding and needing His attention constantly).

What i do know is i'm gld i'm not a dom as being demanding seems to be a trait of many subs and the one thing i can't stand is neediness - such a hypocrite, i know.

Introduction

i hate first posts - i always feel that i have so much to explain and tell any readers who may stumble here that i don't know where to start.

So i'll start with blogging. i am blogging for myself. It is a chance to show myself for who i am, and in the process learn something about myself. It is a place to document my journey so i can look back and see the changes.

And it is for the reader. Over the past seven months (since i have been with Master Settiano) i have become a reader of blogs (which you can find on my profile) bye submissives' and dominants' and they have helped me in more ways than i can explain. They have made me see that i am not alone, yet everyone has their own approach to D/s; they have also helped to mould me into the submissive i am/am becoming.

i have decided it is time to document my own submissiveness so that others may gain an understanding. i am who and what i am and i need to share that with the world - so i have created this blog.