Wednesday, 12 May 2010

Coming Out

i am aware that this post is two days late so firstly i must thank Master for granting me the extension due to uni work and my M.E. playing up. i have had a post in mind for quite a while and as it is to do with my uni work i might as well write it now.

One of my subjects within my course is Creative Non-Fiction which is mainly things like autobiography. i decided to write about my D/s lifestyle as it is the most important part of my life and i have the need to share it with others. When i asked about telling other people in BDSM forums i was met with shock and told to continue with caution as apparantly most people have such a misunderstanding of BDSM that they assume the worst of it such as abuse. To me, that is part of the reason i wanted to write about it - to give people a chance to understand me and why i live the way i do before they judge me for it. And it was something i felt i needed to write.

Now that i have finished writing it (and have handed it in) i am so glad i did so. Writing it was hard as finding the words to explain how i feel about certain things didn't come easy. But it meant i learnt myself what i really wanted to say and how i wanted to explain my relationship. i wrote mainly about the feelings and the relationship side of D/s. i am aware that there are many different ways of living this lifestyle and i wanted to make sure that the reader was aware that i was only talking of my experiences.

However, i found that my class was as supportive as i'd expected. My tutor was well informed about BDSM as she covers parts of it in Writing and Sexuality which is module i'm hoping to take next year. Most of my classmates had no understanding of BDSM but they all seemed to find it really interesting and when something was unclear or they had misunderstood my writing made sure that i corrected it so that it couldn't be misread. My class mainly focused on the writing itself (it is a creative writing course) but also suggested things that could be included. i was never judged for what i was writing about. i am surprised that so many people in the BDSM world have had negative experiences with 'vanilla' people not understanding them. i was brought up to accept everyone and never judge something i did not understand, and so, it appears, was most of my class (and if they did judge it was never mentioned).

Many people have said how brave i am for telling the truth about my relationship but i don't see it as something to hide. There is nothing wrong with what i do. i know that some people will disagree with that last statement but that is their choice and i believe that if more people spoke honestly, BDSM would not be so misunderstood. i'm not suggesting you tell your family (it isn't normal to want to tell your family when and how you have sex whether it be BDSM or not) or anyone you feel uncomfortable with but it can be a relief to let someone else know. My best friend was one of the first people i told. She still doesn't understand it but she accepts me for who i am - if she didn't, she wouldn't be my best friend. So why are we so afraid to speak up about what we do?


  1. I'm glad you've had such a positive response to your coming out and I admire you for it although I have no desire to come out myself. I think part of the reason for the positive reaction is that D/s is multi-faceted. So even if the whole relationship dynamic seems weird or scary to people, aspects of it do not. Many vanilla couples will have one that is more dominating than the other, or engage in 'BDSM' play every now and then with gags and spankings. And if the couple seem happy, the worry that the submissive is being abused tends to be forgotten (although clearly abuse can be masked).

  2. That's a good point that so many of us don't want to speak up about what we do. I think many of our vanilla friends just wouldn't understand. You're fortunate to have a best friend who's so understanding.


  3. Thank you for your replies. i totally agree with you Bunny that aspects of D/s don't seem so weird or scary and i think i took that approach, focusing on how W/we are a relationship, as it was the only way i could connect to the audience. As i have never been in any other serious relationship, i don't really understand how BDSM is not normal and that was the hardest part in writing it as i was trying to explain something to someone who lives in a way that i can't comprehend.

    And yes, i am aware of just how lucky i am to have friends and family who are so open-minded (i may not have told my family but i honestly don't see it bothering them if they did find out). That is part of why i don't understand secrecy i think, because i have been brought up to expect people to take me as i am without having to hide myself.