Pain

Master mentioned pain a week or so ago and ever since it has been in my mind. i want to be spanked. Hard. i want to be whipped, flogged, caned. The cane has caught my imagination the most. i imagine it biting into my arse and leaving red marks. Of course i have no way of knowing how it will feel. How any of it will feel as i have only been lightly spanked and flogged so far. Never hard enough to me release tears.

But today the pain scares me. i read this post and suddenly i don't want to know. i hate it when Master hurts my nipples. Even though i know He is barely pinching them. But after reading about that kind of pain i am glad He is not a sadist. But i still don't want Him going near my nipples for a while.

Of course, if He wants it, i will submit. But i already know that if that's what He asks of me right now, it will be the hardest thing ever to submit. i hope i would be able to. If He really wants it.

Subspace

i have had my first experience with subspace. At least that is the only way i can comprehend it. i know it wasn't as deep as i know i will be able to go.

It was completely unexpected and happened sometime during or after Master fucked me. It was intense but not in the way i am used to. And i gained a sense of calm from serving. He was calling me a slut but i knew that right then i wasn't, but it didn't matter because i was His. i became completely focused Him.

After He had fucked me W/we lay together. i don't remember anything else. Except the feeling. i was immersed in Him and felt calm and happy and blissful.

Then i came out of it. Unfortunately i suddenly jumped out of it and was in a state of shock - shaking, cold and crying. Master let me cry, warmed me up and gave me chocolate - it wasn't long before i felt happy again. i can't wait for this feeling to come over me again though i won't look for it. Also i'm hoping i won't come out of it as suddenly as it ruined the emotionality of the feeling and the experience.

Master would like to know if anyone has any ideas as to how He can help ease me out of the subspace state?

Teenager

Yesterday i discovered a new mind-set. i was wearing my little girl dress (so named because the moment i put it on i enter the little girl mind-set) as Master said He missed Hiss little girl. Due to uni stresses for both of U/us she hasn't really had a chance to come out and play. i had been wearing the dress all day in anticipation but with jeans which has no where near the same effect. So when i took the jeans off i felt the transformation into a little girl. When i say little girl i mean i feel/think/act as if i'm between 5 and 8 yrs old (depending on situation) and this time was no differeint for the first few minutes.

That was when something changed. i'm not sure what changed exactly but i felt 15. Granted, a very naive 15 yr old but then again i was a very naive 15 yr old in real life (it's the age i got my first 'real' boyfriend and my first kiss). So yesterday when i felt 15 i had a whole scenario in my mind. i knew i was with my boyfriend who was about 20 (which is His real age) but i also felt as if it was the beginning of the relationship. i felt ready for sex (something i definitely wasn't ready for at 15) yet i was slightly unsure as i felt a virgin.

Now in the back of my mind i knew who i am, how old i am etc. as i always do. But i honestly felt and believed i was the teenager. i didn't act it out, i was it. i know this sounds completely crazy but if i had allowed the back of my mind to switch off i do believe i would have been that 15 yr old until my mind snapped out of it. i didn't need to create her, she was already somewhere inside me and i feel happy for her that she has found a way out to express herself.

i really enjoyed being the teenager - she is the teenager i wish i had been - and i'm looking forward to many experiences with her. There is nothing like being a teenager in love for the first time. Though of course i would take my submission and love for Master any day.

Written 16th May

Lately i have not been feeling particularly comfortable as a submissive and last night i worked out why. Yesterday a situation arose and i responded as any girlfriend would - i got angry and went home to get some space. But i feel that that wasn't how a submissive should react and i'm still working out what i should have done. When i was trying to calm down i had two opposing thoughts. The girlfriend knew she had every right to get mad a ther boyfriend. The submissive knew she shouldn't have reacted that way and wanted to apologise and make it up to her Master. The problem was that Sir Settiano reacted to the situation as a boyfriend would which has made the line between boyfriend/girlfriend and Master/submissiver become so blurry i no longer know where i stand. i think it has been happening for a while but i have only just noticed.

i feel like i want to be owned in every aspect of my life but at the moment Sir is only able to command my body. Don't get me wrong, i absolutely love Him being my Master in the bedroom as it were, but i want/need Him to be my Master in the rest of my life as well. i need Him to learn how to control my mind and my feelings as well as my body. i don't know how to help Him other than to let Him know how i feel (which is what i am doing now) but i need to feel as if i'm Him, not just know it.

Blogging

As you may have noticed, my blogging buzz has come back. It seems to be in sync with my submission. When i wasn't feeling particularly submissive and O/our relationship was in a natural lull, my blogging seemed to follow suit.

Andn ow things are picking up again. W/we are both reaching the end of the uni year meaning W/we are anticipating lots of time when W/we can focus on U/us and give plenty of thought to O/our D/s lifestyle. With that comes a sudden influx of thoughts and ideas i want to share with you. i am hoping my M.E. won't bring me down again and prevent me from being as motivated and rejuvinated as i feel.

Submission & Disability

As i mentioned in my previous post, i have M.E. also known as C.F.S. Lately i have been going through a particularly bad phase where i rarely leave the house because i simply don't have the energy and standing for any period of time can be very painful. Through all this my Master has supported me and looked after me in a way that only love and devotion can cause. And i am ever so grateful to Him.

i have always been independant so having to rely on anyone has always been difficult. Yet i have learnt to accept Master's help. But still i often feel a failure as i am unable to serve in the way i feel i should. Master says it does not matter as He understands. But it matters to me as i feel i am unable to serve Him properly. He deserves someone who can cook and clean and give Him blowjobs on demand. And i can't always hive Him this. He says He wants me. But i need more than Him, i need to serve Him. Without it i am unfulfilled.

i am still His but i am finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that sometimes i need Him to care for me. i don't like being a burden. But equally i knwo that if i overdo it i will never recover enough to serve Him the way i dream.

Coming Out

i am aware that this post is two days late so firstly i must thank Master for granting me the extension due to uni work and my M.E. playing up. i have had a post in mind for quite a while and as it is to do with my uni work i might as well write it now.

One of my subjects within my course is Creative Non-Fiction which is mainly things like autobiography. i decided to write about my D/s lifestyle as it is the most important part of my life and i have the need to share it with others. When i asked about telling other people in BDSM forums i was met with shock and told to continue with caution as apparantly most people have such a misunderstanding of BDSM that they assume the worst of it such as abuse. To me, that is part of the reason i wanted to write about it - to give people a chance to understand me and why i live the way i do before they judge me for it. And it was something i felt i needed to write.

Now that i have finished writing it (and have handed it in) i am so glad i did so. Writing it was hard as finding the words to explain how i feel about certain things didn't come easy. But it meant i learnt myself what i really wanted to say and how i wanted to explain my relationship. i wrote mainly about the feelings and the relationship side of D/s. i am aware that there are many different ways of living this lifestyle and i wanted to make sure that the reader was aware that i was only talking of my experiences.

However, i found that my class was as supportive as i'd expected. My tutor was well informed about BDSM as she covers parts of it in Writing and Sexuality which is module i'm hoping to take next year. Most of my classmates had no understanding of BDSM but they all seemed to find it really interesting and when something was unclear or they had misunderstood my writing made sure that i corrected it so that it couldn't be misread. My class mainly focused on the writing itself (it is a creative writing course) but also suggested things that could be included. i was never judged for what i was writing about. i am surprised that so many people in the BDSM world have had negative experiences with 'vanilla' people not understanding them. i was brought up to accept everyone and never judge something i did not understand, and so, it appears, was most of my class (and if they did judge it was never mentioned).

Many people have said how brave i am for telling the truth about my relationship but i don't see it as something to hide. There is nothing wrong with what i do. i know that some people will disagree with that last statement but that is their choice and i believe that if more people spoke honestly, BDSM would not be so misunderstood. i'm not suggesting you tell your family (it isn't normal to want to tell your family when and how you have sex whether it be BDSM or not) or anyone you feel uncomfortable with but it can be a relief to let someone else know. My best friend was one of the first people i told. She still doesn't understand it but she accepts me for who i am - if she didn't, she wouldn't be my best friend. So why are we so afraid to speak up about what we do?

Response to 'Stoic'

After reading Swan's post here i knew that i needed to write a response. But now as i read it a second time i am struck by a completely different section of it, just goes to show how 24 hours can alter your perceptions on something.

Before, i wanted to focus on the subject that Swan is talking about - being stoic. i've never really considered this word before but after Swan's post i believe that that is how i used to live my life. It wasn't without joy or grief but what i felt of those emotions is just a single percentage to how i feel them now. The difference? Master. i know that it wasn't actually Master who brought me out of that state but He has been with me every step of the way, leading and helping me along. Because the reason that i was 'stoic' was fear (though i think i knew that on some level, i pushed it to the back of my mind). i was afraid that if i let myself feel anything i would open myself up to the hurt and pain others could cause me. i am still scared of being hurt, now more than ever because i now don't have a barricade. But the barricade between me and love & trust has also been taken down so i would say it has been worth it.

However, with the barricade down, i have been swamped with every emotion, often many in quick succession and in their extremes. This happened again this morning and led me down a quite destructive thought path. So today, when i reread the post, i was hit by the words "the internal life of the mind and the emotions remains within our power to direct. Our opinions are up to us, as are our impulses, desires, aversions, fears." i had not considered that and so have allowed myself to be swept along with with emotions. But i am realising that i want to have control of them once again - not to block them out but to direct them which, i believe, will make me a better submissive as Master shouldn't have to constantly deal the ups and downs i have been throwing Him. i know that it will be hard to learn to control my emotions and i know it won't happen overnight. But making the decision is the first step.