New Year; New U/us

The last month of last year was filled with ups and downs.  There was a week over Christmas when Master and i were not together physically and it pulled at O/our hearts.  But when He arrived at mine, it seems the distance gave Him the chance to discover more of what He wants as a Dom.  When He arrived He was more forceful and more demanding.  It seemed He had finally found a place inside Him where He was at peace with hurting me (in a completely consensual way).

This is something i've been waiting for since the beginning of O/our relationship - for Him to be more demanding and make me truly feel like a slave.  But i didn't anticipate the emotional fallout it would cause inside me.  i'm still working through what happened as i shut down completely for a day or two, unsure of who or what i was.  But now i feel happy and content.  i don't know what changed, though i know reading D/s blogs helped immensely.  i just know that i'm now looking forward to where this new direction will take U/us.  i know it will challange both of U/us but i truly believe that that is what W/we need.  i know i certainly need to be pushed a little to feel content and now i know that Settiano is capable of being the Master i need.

He is still discovering His dominating style so i know it will still be a little hit and miss for a while.  But now i feel that W/we are on the right track and W/we are moving forward.  And the fact that it happened on the cusp of a new year just makes me smile at the coincidence of the timing.  A new year for new beginnings and for continuing to discover O/ourselves.

Changing

i started this blog to document how O/our relationship changes over time. Since then i have learnt that this is much harder to do than i anticipated.

It's not that W/we're not changing, more that the overall change is happening too slow for me to notice. Or else my emotions and feelings change so often that it would be futile to try to recall and write each of them down; it would be like trying to remember and tell every thought you had in a day.

What i have noticed is that my general attitude has changed. i am still the same person but now i'm much more relaxed about being submissive. i still think about what it means to be in a D/s relationship but not nearly as often as i once did. i believe that this is because i am more accepting to it. Not that i didn't want it before, but now i don't (often) want to dictate the relationship. i had an idea of what W/we should be like in my head and when it wasn't like that in real life i got confused or tried to manipulate U/us into my image of U/us. i don't try to do that now.

i've learnt that while W/we might not be how i imagined, W/we are better because W/we instinctively seem to know (usually) what each other needs. So i am now at peace with U/us progressing naturally. i am still just as excited to find out how O/our journey will unravel but now i am more concerned with living the journey rather than measuring the change.

Written 16th May

Lately i have not been feeling particularly comfortable as a submissive and last night i worked out why. Yesterday a situation arose and i responded as any girlfriend would - i got angry and went home to get some space. But i feel that that wasn't how a submissive should react and i'm still working out what i should have done. When i was trying to calm down i had two opposing thoughts. The girlfriend knew she had every right to get mad a ther boyfriend. The submissive knew she shouldn't have reacted that way and wanted to apologise and make it up to her Master. The problem was that Sir Settiano reacted to the situation as a boyfriend would which has made the line between boyfriend/girlfriend and Master/submissiver become so blurry i no longer know where i stand. i think it has been happening for a while but i have only just noticed.

i feel like i want to be owned in every aspect of my life but at the moment Sir is only able to command my body. Don't get me wrong, i absolutely love Him being my Master in the bedroom as it were, but i want/need Him to be my Master in the rest of my life as well. i need Him to learn how to control my mind and my feelings as well as my body. i don't know how to help Him other than to let Him know how i feel (which is what i am doing now) but i need to feel as if i'm Him, not just know it.

Coming Out

i am aware that this post is two days late so firstly i must thank Master for granting me the extension due to uni work and my M.E. playing up. i have had a post in mind for quite a while and as it is to do with my uni work i might as well write it now.

One of my subjects within my course is Creative Non-Fiction which is mainly things like autobiography. i decided to write about my D/s lifestyle as it is the most important part of my life and i have the need to share it with others. When i asked about telling other people in BDSM forums i was met with shock and told to continue with caution as apparantly most people have such a misunderstanding of BDSM that they assume the worst of it such as abuse. To me, that is part of the reason i wanted to write about it - to give people a chance to understand me and why i live the way i do before they judge me for it. And it was something i felt i needed to write.

Now that i have finished writing it (and have handed it in) i am so glad i did so. Writing it was hard as finding the words to explain how i feel about certain things didn't come easy. But it meant i learnt myself what i really wanted to say and how i wanted to explain my relationship. i wrote mainly about the feelings and the relationship side of D/s. i am aware that there are many different ways of living this lifestyle and i wanted to make sure that the reader was aware that i was only talking of my experiences.

However, i found that my class was as supportive as i'd expected. My tutor was well informed about BDSM as she covers parts of it in Writing and Sexuality which is module i'm hoping to take next year. Most of my classmates had no understanding of BDSM but they all seemed to find it really interesting and when something was unclear or they had misunderstood my writing made sure that i corrected it so that it couldn't be misread. My class mainly focused on the writing itself (it is a creative writing course) but also suggested things that could be included. i was never judged for what i was writing about. i am surprised that so many people in the BDSM world have had negative experiences with 'vanilla' people not understanding them. i was brought up to accept everyone and never judge something i did not understand, and so, it appears, was most of my class (and if they did judge it was never mentioned).

Many people have said how brave i am for telling the truth about my relationship but i don't see it as something to hide. There is nothing wrong with what i do. i know that some people will disagree with that last statement but that is their choice and i believe that if more people spoke honestly, BDSM would not be so misunderstood. i'm not suggesting you tell your family (it isn't normal to want to tell your family when and how you have sex whether it be BDSM or not) or anyone you feel uncomfortable with but it can be a relief to let someone else know. My best friend was one of the first people i told. She still doesn't understand it but she accepts me for who i am - if she didn't, she wouldn't be my best friend. So why are we so afraid to speak up about what we do?

Response to 'Stoic'

After reading Swan's post here i knew that i needed to write a response. But now as i read it a second time i am struck by a completely different section of it, just goes to show how 24 hours can alter your perceptions on something.

Before, i wanted to focus on the subject that Swan is talking about - being stoic. i've never really considered this word before but after Swan's post i believe that that is how i used to live my life. It wasn't without joy or grief but what i felt of those emotions is just a single percentage to how i feel them now. The difference? Master. i know that it wasn't actually Master who brought me out of that state but He has been with me every step of the way, leading and helping me along. Because the reason that i was 'stoic' was fear (though i think i knew that on some level, i pushed it to the back of my mind). i was afraid that if i let myself feel anything i would open myself up to the hurt and pain others could cause me. i am still scared of being hurt, now more than ever because i now don't have a barricade. But the barricade between me and love & trust has also been taken down so i would say it has been worth it.

However, with the barricade down, i have been swamped with every emotion, often many in quick succession and in their extremes. This happened again this morning and led me down a quite destructive thought path. So today, when i reread the post, i was hit by the words "the internal life of the mind and the emotions remains within our power to direct. Our opinions are up to us, as are our impulses, desires, aversions, fears." i had not considered that and so have allowed myself to be swept along with with emotions. But i am realising that i want to have control of them once again - not to block them out but to direct them which, i believe, will make me a better submissive as Master shouldn't have to constantly deal the ups and downs i have been throwing Him. i know that it will be hard to learn to control my emotions and i know it won't happen overnight. But making the decision is the first step.

On Serving

my Master asked me to think and write about why i serve Him. The first part is bullet points as ideas came to me, the second is my overall explanation.

• Because it is a physical and outward way of showing how i feel about Him
• Because i have a deep need to serve to truly be who i am
• Because i believe that He has the ability to see my essence (i don't use the word soul) and release it through my submission
• Because i need the appreciation and validation (of myself and my ability to please) that only a Master or Owner can give me
• Because i need to please to feel fulfilled
• Because i need the feeling of happiness i get when He says 'good girl' in that voice
• Because His dominance lets me know i am loved, wanted and cherished

i serve Him simply because it is my most natural way of being. Serving is not a mask, but what happens when i take the mask off. It is an exposure of what is in my heart and essence. i serve because it is the way of being that i have chosen. It fulfills my need to be wanted, to be happy - all while being myself.

i serve Him because i trust Him. Yes i love Him which helps immensely with the serving, but i can still serve Him without love. i feel that He understands who i am (even if i don't) in the same way i understand Him. The universe has connected U/us and i think this is because W/we make each other strong, happy and fulfilled. W/we are 2 sides of the same coin and need each other to bring U/us out at O/our best. i also believe that D/s doesn't define U/us but gives U/us a firm structure as a base. It may not be necessary but without it W/we wouldn't last long. i see D/s as the foundation of O/our relationship. It may wobble but the foundation will keep it up-right. Without the foundation, the wobbles may make it fall in ruins. So i serve as it is the best way forward (in my mind) for U/us to build a strong and lasting relationship

Rules

W/we believe that part of the problem (where i'm not feeling submissive) is that i don't have many rules to follow. So Master Settiano has written a list of rules - most of which are for both of U/us to follow (He says it's unreasonable to expect me to do them if He is unwilling to Himself). The rules may be added to/ edited and as they are, i will update here.

The rules are:

1. Ask if you want something, don't push for it.
~ This is one of the hardest rules for me as i often feel that if i've asked for something then He is only doing it because i've asked. However, i am learning that just because i ask for something doesn't stop it being His decision.

2. If you don't understand, ask.

3. When you are ill or unable to complete a task, tell the other, because ten the rules may bend.

4. Look after yourself.

5. Create weekly goals for university.

6. Do one hour minimum of uni work a day, with exception to the weekend.

7. If you feel the task is unrealistic, inform Master.
~ This is because Master is still learning as well, and by letting Him know how i feel, He can make a decision whether i still have to do it or if He would rather change it.

8. If you are clubing without Master, text Him hourly when you are there.

9. Only 3 alcoholic drinks are allowed per night (only one of which may be a glass of wine) unless stated by Master.

10. Personal space is always needed. 2 hours minimum every other day apart from each other (excluding time at uni).

11. you must post in your blog at least once in every five days (1st -5th, 6th-10th etc). The 31st day of a month is an extra day in the following week.

In addition to these rules, Master has also written a list of what He wants from me. In His words:

I want someone who can Love and Submit.
I want someone who I can confide in and who can confide in Me.
I want someone who can care for me.
I want someone who can be used at My whim.
I want someone who I can Love and Care for.
I want someone who can make Me happy and laugh.
I want someone who can be Mine.

As you can see, most of the above points relate to O/our relationship generally and could be applied to almost any relationship. D/s is an integral part of O/our relationship but i feel much better knowing that my submission is not all He wants nor expects from me.

Since these rules have been written i feel much safer and more confident in my place as Settiano's submissive and although W/we still have a lot to work out in regards to O/our dominance and submission, i feel that W/we have taken a solid step towards O/our future together.

P.S. i'm going to be writing about O/our valentine's day soon!

How we became W/we

The start of O/our relationship is possibly a little unusual for D/s as neither of U/us were looking for it. W/we met through the pagan society at university last year and immediately became good friends. However, W/we were the type of friends who make no extra effort to see each other so although W/we didn't start 'going out' until months after W/we first met; it was in reality only the third or fourth time that W/we saw each other before W/we realised W/we were meant to be together (or, O/our friends did and pushed U/us until W/we couldn't disagree).

W/we spent three amazing weeks in each other's constant company before i realised i wanted more - i wanted to give myself to Him and have Him own me. It should be mentioned here that i already knew about my fetishes of being bound and used like a slut. It wasn't until i met Settiano though that i finally understood the emotional side of submission (of course, i still don't understand it completely as it is an organic process in constant change and flux). Anyway, when i realised what i wanted i told Him 'i want You to own me'. This was very difficult as i knew i'd be worried that He was only doing it because i wanted it (this is what has happened in the past with previous boyfriends). W/we then spent four agonising weeks apart due to the summer holidays but during this time W/we kept in constant contact and W/we both did a lot of research into D/s as a lifestyle choice.

When W/we were together again W/we experimented a little but as W/we were both new to D/s it didn't work out as W/we'd hoped; so W/we decided to go back to vanilla with kinky sex for a while. Evetually the D/s crept back into O/our lives and on October 18th 2009 W/we realised that that is who W/we are - this was the date when i realised that i was ready to be His.

W/we are now moving into a new level of D/s with training sessions for specific things. This is why i have started this blog - i am ready to become the best possible slave for Master Settiano and need somewhere to document the changes (although i'm aware i'll never be the best as there'll always be more to learn).

And, just to be clear, Master Settiano isn't doing this because i want it as i feared He would. He has often said that i simply unleashed something that was already inside of Him but He didn't have an outlet before He found D/s. Even i am beginning to realise this as He is finding His way and style - i'm loving it and i love Him.