New Year; New U/us

The last month of last year was filled with ups and downs.  There was a week over Christmas when Master and i were not together physically and it pulled at O/our hearts.  But when He arrived at mine, it seems the distance gave Him the chance to discover more of what He wants as a Dom.  When He arrived He was more forceful and more demanding.  It seemed He had finally found a place inside Him where He was at peace with hurting me (in a completely consensual way).

This is something i've been waiting for since the beginning of O/our relationship - for Him to be more demanding and make me truly feel like a slave.  But i didn't anticipate the emotional fallout it would cause inside me.  i'm still working through what happened as i shut down completely for a day or two, unsure of who or what i was.  But now i feel happy and content.  i don't know what changed, though i know reading D/s blogs helped immensely.  i just know that i'm now looking forward to where this new direction will take U/us.  i know it will challange both of U/us but i truly believe that that is what W/we need.  i know i certainly need to be pushed a little to feel content and now i know that Settiano is capable of being the Master i need.

He is still discovering His dominating style so i know it will still be a little hit and miss for a while.  But now i feel that W/we are on the right track and W/we are moving forward.  And the fact that it happened on the cusp of a new year just makes me smile at the coincidence of the timing.  A new year for new beginnings and for continuing to discover O/ourselves.

Changing

i started this blog to document how O/our relationship changes over time. Since then i have learnt that this is much harder to do than i anticipated.

It's not that W/we're not changing, more that the overall change is happening too slow for me to notice. Or else my emotions and feelings change so often that it would be futile to try to recall and write each of them down; it would be like trying to remember and tell every thought you had in a day.

What i have noticed is that my general attitude has changed. i am still the same person but now i'm much more relaxed about being submissive. i still think about what it means to be in a D/s relationship but not nearly as often as i once did. i believe that this is because i am more accepting to it. Not that i didn't want it before, but now i don't (often) want to dictate the relationship. i had an idea of what W/we should be like in my head and when it wasn't like that in real life i got confused or tried to manipulate U/us into my image of U/us. i don't try to do that now.

i've learnt that while W/we might not be how i imagined, W/we are better because W/we instinctively seem to know (usually) what each other needs. So i am now at peace with U/us progressing naturally. i am still just as excited to find out how O/our journey will unravel but now i am more concerned with living the journey rather than measuring the change.

Coming Out

i am aware that this post is two days late so firstly i must thank Master for granting me the extension due to uni work and my M.E. playing up. i have had a post in mind for quite a while and as it is to do with my uni work i might as well write it now.

One of my subjects within my course is Creative Non-Fiction which is mainly things like autobiography. i decided to write about my D/s lifestyle as it is the most important part of my life and i have the need to share it with others. When i asked about telling other people in BDSM forums i was met with shock and told to continue with caution as apparantly most people have such a misunderstanding of BDSM that they assume the worst of it such as abuse. To me, that is part of the reason i wanted to write about it - to give people a chance to understand me and why i live the way i do before they judge me for it. And it was something i felt i needed to write.

Now that i have finished writing it (and have handed it in) i am so glad i did so. Writing it was hard as finding the words to explain how i feel about certain things didn't come easy. But it meant i learnt myself what i really wanted to say and how i wanted to explain my relationship. i wrote mainly about the feelings and the relationship side of D/s. i am aware that there are many different ways of living this lifestyle and i wanted to make sure that the reader was aware that i was only talking of my experiences.

However, i found that my class was as supportive as i'd expected. My tutor was well informed about BDSM as she covers parts of it in Writing and Sexuality which is module i'm hoping to take next year. Most of my classmates had no understanding of BDSM but they all seemed to find it really interesting and when something was unclear or they had misunderstood my writing made sure that i corrected it so that it couldn't be misread. My class mainly focused on the writing itself (it is a creative writing course) but also suggested things that could be included. i was never judged for what i was writing about. i am surprised that so many people in the BDSM world have had negative experiences with 'vanilla' people not understanding them. i was brought up to accept everyone and never judge something i did not understand, and so, it appears, was most of my class (and if they did judge it was never mentioned).

Many people have said how brave i am for telling the truth about my relationship but i don't see it as something to hide. There is nothing wrong with what i do. i know that some people will disagree with that last statement but that is their choice and i believe that if more people spoke honestly, BDSM would not be so misunderstood. i'm not suggesting you tell your family (it isn't normal to want to tell your family when and how you have sex whether it be BDSM or not) or anyone you feel uncomfortable with but it can be a relief to let someone else know. My best friend was one of the first people i told. She still doesn't understand it but she accepts me for who i am - if she didn't, she wouldn't be my best friend. So why are we so afraid to speak up about what we do?

Needing More

Now that i am beginning to accept that Settiano as Master and myself as His, i am finding myself wanting me. The problem is that the wanting only seems to occur when i am not with His. When He is actually using me it can still be quite confusing and difficult to deal with. So i am wondering what is i really want. And if it matters, unless i actually need it, as it is what He wants and needs that comes first.

i think that it does matter, clearly the fact that i'm writing this is showing that i feel i need something, i'm just not sure what that something is. It is important because not having it is taking my focus away from Master and serving Him.

And i think that that is one of the things i need - focus. It is easy enough to focus when He is making me beg t be fucked or to make me cum. But obviously we aren't having sex all the time. So i need my focus shifted onto serving Him the rest of the time - when i am with Him and when i'm not (physically). So as i believe it is my job to focus myself as much as it is Master's, i (and Master would as well) appreciate any advice on how i can focus myself on Him.

Ordering

This post is not about being ordered about or ordering other people but being ordered for at a restaurant.

i am the type of person who is the first to order, loudly and clearly. Last night my Master decided He was going to order for me. Of course i did not argue, especially as i've always felt a slight resentment that He doesn't always clearly take the lead. i always wanted Him to order for me or at least go first, to stop me being so assertive, and last night i got my wish.

i'm still not entirely sure how i feel about it, though i'm certain it is in no way a negative reaction. i suddenly felt very submissive and could feel my body reacting submissively towards Master. That was one of the best feelings i've felt as a sub. Part of me even wondered how being forbidden to speak to anyone other than Master would feel - i hope to find out some day.

Being ordered for also slightly put me into little girl mode as i had my power but also my responsibility stripped from me publicly (in a sense).

What surprised me most was how comfortable i felt in the situation. i felt relieved that Master has become comfortable enough in His role to take it out of the bedroom. As He becomes more confident it is becoming easier for me to accept my role. i have also started acting more submissive as it's a natural reaction to His dominance. This is when i love and enjoy D/s. Not to mean that this is not what i want the rest of the time, but feeling natural is definitely best and it is also the time i most feel ready to accept the challenges of submission and to have my submission stretched.

The Necklace

My necklace (the one you see with my profile) is what some people would call my collar. i wear it all the time to show that i am owned. However i don't feel that it is a full-collar. W/we have not been together long enough to take that step (to me, being collared is akin to being married).

It wasn't until last week when the chain broke that i realised just how important this necklace is. Without it round my neck i felt lost and spent most of the day clutching the pendant while Master rushed off to buy a new chain. The necklace may mean that i am owned but to me it shows that i am loved and wanted and safe.

A few days later the new chain came undone and the pendant couldn't be found anywhere. Understandably i was very upset. However, later when Master was inside me, i could feel it around my neck - by it i mean His ownership.

W/we have found the pendant and it is around my neck once again. But i now know that although the necklace is a physical symbol of His ownership and love for me, it is He that is important, He that owns me and loves me and He who i think about when i feel the necklace around my neck.

i guess the point i'm trying to make is that while physical items can be important, they are not as important as what you feel and believe. If i had concentrated on the fact that my Master loved and owned me rather than focusing on the lost necklace i could have prevented a lot of bad feelings. In fact, it wasn't until i had accepted that the necklace wasn't His ownership but a symbol of it that i found the pendant when i wasn't even looking for it.

On Serving

my Master asked me to think and write about why i serve Him. The first part is bullet points as ideas came to me, the second is my overall explanation.

• Because it is a physical and outward way of showing how i feel about Him
• Because i have a deep need to serve to truly be who i am
• Because i believe that He has the ability to see my essence (i don't use the word soul) and release it through my submission
• Because i need the appreciation and validation (of myself and my ability to please) that only a Master or Owner can give me
• Because i need to please to feel fulfilled
• Because i need the feeling of happiness i get when He says 'good girl' in that voice
• Because His dominance lets me know i am loved, wanted and cherished

i serve Him simply because it is my most natural way of being. Serving is not a mask, but what happens when i take the mask off. It is an exposure of what is in my heart and essence. i serve because it is the way of being that i have chosen. It fulfills my need to be wanted, to be happy - all while being myself.

i serve Him because i trust Him. Yes i love Him which helps immensely with the serving, but i can still serve Him without love. i feel that He understands who i am (even if i don't) in the same way i understand Him. The universe has connected U/us and i think this is because W/we make each other strong, happy and fulfilled. W/we are 2 sides of the same coin and need each other to bring U/us out at O/our best. i also believe that D/s doesn't define U/us but gives U/us a firm structure as a base. It may not be necessary but without it W/we wouldn't last long. i see D/s as the foundation of O/our relationship. It may wobble but the foundation will keep it up-right. Without the foundation, the wobbles may make it fall in ruins. So i serve as it is the best way forward (in my mind) for U/us to build a strong and lasting relationship

How we became W/we

The start of O/our relationship is possibly a little unusual for D/s as neither of U/us were looking for it. W/we met through the pagan society at university last year and immediately became good friends. However, W/we were the type of friends who make no extra effort to see each other so although W/we didn't start 'going out' until months after W/we first met; it was in reality only the third or fourth time that W/we saw each other before W/we realised W/we were meant to be together (or, O/our friends did and pushed U/us until W/we couldn't disagree).

W/we spent three amazing weeks in each other's constant company before i realised i wanted more - i wanted to give myself to Him and have Him own me. It should be mentioned here that i already knew about my fetishes of being bound and used like a slut. It wasn't until i met Settiano though that i finally understood the emotional side of submission (of course, i still don't understand it completely as it is an organic process in constant change and flux). Anyway, when i realised what i wanted i told Him 'i want You to own me'. This was very difficult as i knew i'd be worried that He was only doing it because i wanted it (this is what has happened in the past with previous boyfriends). W/we then spent four agonising weeks apart due to the summer holidays but during this time W/we kept in constant contact and W/we both did a lot of research into D/s as a lifestyle choice.

When W/we were together again W/we experimented a little but as W/we were both new to D/s it didn't work out as W/we'd hoped; so W/we decided to go back to vanilla with kinky sex for a while. Evetually the D/s crept back into O/our lives and on October 18th 2009 W/we realised that that is who W/we are - this was the date when i realised that i was ready to be His.

W/we are now moving into a new level of D/s with training sessions for specific things. This is why i have started this blog - i am ready to become the best possible slave for Master Settiano and need somewhere to document the changes (although i'm aware i'll never be the best as there'll always be more to learn).

And, just to be clear, Master Settiano isn't doing this because i want it as i feared He would. He has often said that i simply unleashed something that was already inside of Him but He didn't have an outlet before He found D/s. Even i am beginning to realise this as He is finding His way and style - i'm loving it and i love Him.

The Little 'i'

You may have noticed that i am using a little 'i' when i refer to myself. This is at the request of my Master - it shows who is in command.

i personally have had (and sometimes still have) many issues with the use of the little 'i' and not just because i am a writer. i have felt that it makes my role* as a submissive more insignificant than my Master's role as dominant. Therefore making me feel insignificant in the relationship. i know that i am not insignificant and that my Master doesn't see me as such, but that is how i've felt when made to reduce myself to little letters.

i still have these feeling sometimes but they are occurring less often. The reason i have continued using the little 'i' is because my Master has asked it of me. The one thing i want to do in this world is to please Him. And if He feels that showing my respect towards Him through the use of the little 'i' is important then i will try and follow that protocol.

However, i have never had issues capitalising pronouns that relate to Master Settiano. In my mind it distinguishes Him from everybody else - not to imply that He is better than everyone else (He is only human) but to imply that He is the centre of my world.

* i do not see my submission as a game or something i act out - it is in every aspect of O/our relationship and part of who i am. The reason i use the word 'role' here is because it is not all that i am.

Demanding and Needy

Yesterday i realised just how demanding i can be. Master had to do a lot of uni work for most of yesterday and i got really upset because, as He hadn't replied instantly to my messages and He had only been able to see me for less than an hour, it felt as if i was being abandoned and as if He didn't care. i know that He did care but had a lot on His mind. But it still stung that i wasn't His number one priority (even though it was just for a few hours).

Of course, once i realised how demanding and selfish i was being, i couldn't help feeling guilty. Surely it isn't my place to demand His attention? But that is who i am. i crave attention and that is probably the sole trait of little girlness (i have only just begun to relate to being a little girl though very rarely and not age play). Nothing in the world compares to how i feel when He says the two words 'good girl'. This is the attention i crave but i'm just as happy for Master to torture my tits (again, W/we have only just started exploring pain play so nothing like the torture in BDSM movies which, by the way, i find a real turn-off). But that's the problem - i need constant attention to keep me happy; but surely submission should be about being happy just by making Him happy (which i don't feel i'm doing by being so demanding and needing His attention constantly).

What i do know is i'm gld i'm not a dom as being demanding seems to be a trait of many subs and the one thing i can't stand is neediness - such a hypocrite, i know.