Coming Out

i am aware that this post is two days late so firstly i must thank Master for granting me the extension due to uni work and my M.E. playing up. i have had a post in mind for quite a while and as it is to do with my uni work i might as well write it now.

One of my subjects within my course is Creative Non-Fiction which is mainly things like autobiography. i decided to write about my D/s lifestyle as it is the most important part of my life and i have the need to share it with others. When i asked about telling other people in BDSM forums i was met with shock and told to continue with caution as apparantly most people have such a misunderstanding of BDSM that they assume the worst of it such as abuse. To me, that is part of the reason i wanted to write about it - to give people a chance to understand me and why i live the way i do before they judge me for it. And it was something i felt i needed to write.

Now that i have finished writing it (and have handed it in) i am so glad i did so. Writing it was hard as finding the words to explain how i feel about certain things didn't come easy. But it meant i learnt myself what i really wanted to say and how i wanted to explain my relationship. i wrote mainly about the feelings and the relationship side of D/s. i am aware that there are many different ways of living this lifestyle and i wanted to make sure that the reader was aware that i was only talking of my experiences.

However, i found that my class was as supportive as i'd expected. My tutor was well informed about BDSM as she covers parts of it in Writing and Sexuality which is module i'm hoping to take next year. Most of my classmates had no understanding of BDSM but they all seemed to find it really interesting and when something was unclear or they had misunderstood my writing made sure that i corrected it so that it couldn't be misread. My class mainly focused on the writing itself (it is a creative writing course) but also suggested things that could be included. i was never judged for what i was writing about. i am surprised that so many people in the BDSM world have had negative experiences with 'vanilla' people not understanding them. i was brought up to accept everyone and never judge something i did not understand, and so, it appears, was most of my class (and if they did judge it was never mentioned).

Many people have said how brave i am for telling the truth about my relationship but i don't see it as something to hide. There is nothing wrong with what i do. i know that some people will disagree with that last statement but that is their choice and i believe that if more people spoke honestly, BDSM would not be so misunderstood. i'm not suggesting you tell your family (it isn't normal to want to tell your family when and how you have sex whether it be BDSM or not) or anyone you feel uncomfortable with but it can be a relief to let someone else know. My best friend was one of the first people i told. She still doesn't understand it but she accepts me for who i am - if she didn't, she wouldn't be my best friend. So why are we so afraid to speak up about what we do?

Ordering

This post is not about being ordered about or ordering other people but being ordered for at a restaurant.

i am the type of person who is the first to order, loudly and clearly. Last night my Master decided He was going to order for me. Of course i did not argue, especially as i've always felt a slight resentment that He doesn't always clearly take the lead. i always wanted Him to order for me or at least go first, to stop me being so assertive, and last night i got my wish.

i'm still not entirely sure how i feel about it, though i'm certain it is in no way a negative reaction. i suddenly felt very submissive and could feel my body reacting submissively towards Master. That was one of the best feelings i've felt as a sub. Part of me even wondered how being forbidden to speak to anyone other than Master would feel - i hope to find out some day.

Being ordered for also slightly put me into little girl mode as i had my power but also my responsibility stripped from me publicly (in a sense).

What surprised me most was how comfortable i felt in the situation. i felt relieved that Master has become comfortable enough in His role to take it out of the bedroom. As He becomes more confident it is becoming easier for me to accept my role. i have also started acting more submissive as it's a natural reaction to His dominance. This is when i love and enjoy D/s. Not to mean that this is not what i want the rest of the time, but feeling natural is definitely best and it is also the time i most feel ready to accept the challenges of submission and to have my submission stretched.