Saturday, 30 January 2010

The Little 'i'

You may have noticed that i am using a little 'i' when i refer to myself. This is at the request of my Master - it shows who is in command.

i personally have had (and sometimes still have) many issues with the use of the little 'i' and not just because i am a writer. i have felt that it makes my role* as a submissive more insignificant than my Master's role as dominant. Therefore making me feel insignificant in the relationship. i know that i am not insignificant and that my Master doesn't see me as such, but that is how i've felt when made to reduce myself to little letters.

i still have these feeling sometimes but they are occurring less often. The reason i have continued using the little 'i' is because my Master has asked it of me. The one thing i want to do in this world is to please Him. And if He feels that showing my respect towards Him through the use of the little 'i' is important then i will try and follow that protocol.

However, i have never had issues capitalising pronouns that relate to Master Settiano. In my mind it distinguishes Him from everybody else - not to imply that He is better than everyone else (He is only human) but to imply that He is the centre of my world.

* i do not see my submission as a game or something i act out - it is in every aspect of O/our relationship and part of who i am. The reason i use the word 'role' here is because it is not all that i am.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

Demanding and Needy

Yesterday i realised just how demanding i can be. Master had to do a lot of uni work for most of yesterday and i got really upset because, as He hadn't replied instantly to my messages and He had only been able to see me for less than an hour, it felt as if i was being abandoned and as if He didn't care. i know that He did care but had a lot on His mind. But it still stung that i wasn't His number one priority (even though it was just for a few hours).

Of course, once i realised how demanding and selfish i was being, i couldn't help feeling guilty. Surely it isn't my place to demand His attention? But that is who i am. i crave attention and that is probably the sole trait of little girlness (i have only just begun to relate to being a little girl though very rarely and not age play). Nothing in the world compares to how i feel when He says the two words 'good girl'. This is the attention i crave but i'm just as happy for Master to torture my tits (again, W/we have only just started exploring pain play so nothing like the torture in BDSM movies which, by the way, i find a real turn-off). But that's the problem - i need constant attention to keep me happy; but surely submission should be about being happy just by making Him happy (which i don't feel i'm doing by being so demanding and needing His attention constantly).

What i do know is i'm gld i'm not a dom as being demanding seems to be a trait of many subs and the one thing i can't stand is neediness - such a hypocrite, i know.

Wednesday, 27 January 2010


i hate first posts - i always feel that i have so much to explain and tell any readers who may stumble here that i don't know where to start.

So i'll start with blogging. i am blogging for myself. It is a chance to show myself for who i am, and in the process learn something about myself. It is a place to document my journey so i can look back and see the changes.

And it is for the reader. Over the past seven months (since i have been with Master Settiano) i have become a reader of blogs (which you can find on my profile) bye submissives' and dominants' and they have helped me in more ways than i can explain. They have made me see that i am not alone, yet everyone has their own approach to D/s; they have also helped to mould me into the submissive i am/am becoming.

i have decided it is time to document my own submissiveness so that others may gain an understanding. i am who and what i am and i need to share that with the world - so i have created this blog.