Shaved

Last week i shaved my pubic hair for Master.  i have attempted to keep it shaved since but not doing so well with that as shaving short hairs really doesn't agree with my body.

But anyway, having my pussy shaved is something W/we have talked about many times and W/we were both interested in it.  What W/we weren't prepared for was the emotional reaction i would have to losing my hair down there.  It made me feel naked and exposed - that wasn't the bad part.  i felt as though a part of me was missing (i guess technically it was) and it took me a while to get used to the idea of being 'naked'.  It has been shaved for a week now and i'm beginning to get used to it, though i'm still not sure if i actually like it or not (not that that has any relevance to whether it stays shaved or not).  Master seems to love it and He's fucked me more times this week than He has for a while.  i'd like to think it was just my sexy charm but it would be naive to think that it has nothing to do with being shaved.

my Return

So it seems that the posting sporadically turned into not posting at all and for that, my dear readers, i am truly sorry.  It would be futile for me to explain the past however many months, as i can barely remember them.  There was a period where O/our sexual life pretty much ceased.  And then W/we seemed to find O/our mojo again but only as boyfriend and girlfriend.  And now it seems W/we are back to D/s. 

i always knew W/we would return, it was just a question of when and how.  W/we are still working out the how.  W/we know that i need rules (W/we've scrapped everything from before and starting again) but Settiano wants rules that mean something.  So far the only rule is that i am not to touch my pussy or my breasts without His permission (except when washing and wiping).  This is to bring home that i am His, that i have lost my right to play with my body because it isn't mine - it's His.

W/we are also moving into a place of pain.  Not a lot of pain but He has started enjoying inflicting and i enjoy knowing that i am His to do with what He wants.

So i hope that this time around i'll be a better submissive and a better blogger.  i have missed you all so much and am trying to catch up on blog posts but only from the previous two weeks onwards - if you feel that there is something i probably missed that i should read i would really appreciate you leaving a link.  And i hope that this time around everything will work out better (in both O/our relationship and the relationship i have with all you blogging peeps).

Problems

Day 4 (Friday) started well as you've already read. At about 3pm I started looking at porn. At about 4pm I lay on the bed with my bullet and got to work on my second edge. After reaching the edge I had a little rest but couldn't resist continuing. Unfortunately this was my downfall. Before you ask, no, I did not cum.

I should probably mention here that I used to have a porn/masturbation addiction of sorts. Before I met Settiano I would spend large portions of the day getting myself off and trawling the internet for anything to turn me on. It made me feel disgusting and dirty, which is exactly what turned me on, so I couldn't stop. When I started dating Settiano it died out a little at a time until I didn't even realise that it had stopped.

On Friday it all came back. Playing with myself under the sheets, thinking what a dirty slut I am to get myself closer. Unfortunately when I couldn't reach my third edge it hit me what was happening and it ended in tears.

We decided to leave this little test for another time (I think) and it wasn't until this morning that I had the courage to masturbate as I was so worried how it would effect my emotions and opinions of myself. It went well, I didn't cum but I did (sort of) enjoy it so I'm hoping that I can get back to my normal healthily sexual self. It may take time so please excuse any sporadic posting for a while, thank you.

Day 3

Wednesday Settiano decided to give me an extra edge. The thing is, I'm only allowed to stimulate myself if I'm giving myself an edge - and I have to do the set number of edges for the day. But other than that, Settiano can tease and stimulate me as much or as little as he wants. So on Wednesday he decided to put his fingers on my clit and rub and rub and rub until I couldn't take anymore.

Thursday (Day 3) I awoke a little horny but I was also half asleep. I figured getting to the edge would either wake me up or send me back to sleep so I reached for my vibe and pressed it against my clit. I got right up to the edge before allowing myself to move the vibe away. And for those of you interested, it woke me up. Settiano and I spent the day out (although quite a few hours of that was spent on a bus which was hell as I felt every little bump, gods, I hope one day to try sitting on a dildo on a bus as that will be hell and heaven in one. I didn't get another chance to edge until we were pretty much getting ready for bed. I imagined having my legs spread, my hands cuffed together using the vibe and being watched, surveyed. To add to it Settiano started looking me over which he knows always sets me going as being viewed as a piece of meat always turns me on. He got out his cock but wouldn't let me suck or even look at it much, though I was allowed to give him a short hand job. I almost came.

It took me a few minutes and random talking about nothing to bring me down again. Then it was straight back to using my vibe while Settiano weaved a fantasy (one that I can't even remember now). I got as close to the edge as I think I've ever been. I honestly believe that if I hadn't taken the vibe off when I did it would have been less than a second before I came. My body stayed at that level for quite a while and every sex thought I had made me want to cum so bad. But of course I didn't. Instead I tried to get to sleep. Being that horny made it almost impossible. OK, I did sleep eventually, and I slept well, but I was horny the whole time, even in my dreams I was so horny.

This morning (Day 4) I started using my fingers. However I just couldn't get the effect I wanted so once again I turned to my vibe. Settiano told me to imagine him using me hard and cumming inside me then forcing another woman's head into my pussy to lap up all his cum. It really didn't take me long to get to the edge. Now I'm looking forward to 3 more edges today

Day 2

Last night Settiano decided to drive me absolutely insane with his hands roaming over every part of my body except my pussy and weaving a fantasy - one in which I came many times. To say I was frustrated would be an understatement so I was very surprised that I got a good night's sleep; I think I must have just been that tired.

Today I wasn't really in the mood for anything so it was quite late in the afternoon that I started reading a few things online - mainly centering on denial - to get me in the mood for my first edge. I then needed a rest, during which my bullet (the main vibe I'll be using this week as it's the best one I've got with me and is practically silent) made it onto my clit. However it didn't really get interesting till Settiano started telling me a fantasy. I have to say that this is something he is brilliant with - not only can he turn me on with a look or a kiss, but he has an ability to tell fantasies so I can imagine them very vividly. I'm a writer but this is something I just can't do!

The fantasy centered on me being fucked and licking out another woman - this is one of our favourites and is used a lot. Today we also included a little bit of denial so I only came three times in the fantasy.

My vibe started to die so I decided to switch to fingers and got myself right to the very edge. It was at the point that if I'd kept going for any longer I would probably not have been able to control myself. For quite a while after this my body was still tingling and wracked with frustration as I wanted to cum so badly. Since then I have been quite motivated and I have felt my pussy constantly.

Watching me getting so close and knowing I wasn't getting any relief turned Settiano on a lot so I asked to suck his cock which he was more than happy to agree with. Unfortunately his mum interrupted us but I'm thinking I'll probably suck him off again tonight. Now I'm going to start using my vibe again and find me some porn.

Change

Sorry I haven't written here in so long - so much has been happening and this blog sort of got stuck by the wayside. At the moment we are staying with Settiano's parents and family which has put an inordinate amount of strain on the BDSM aspect of our relationship. We weren't feeling sexual and I began to doubt myself as a submissive. So we decided to go on a break (hence the change in my writing here) til at least we are back at uni and at neither parents (after 6 weeks here, we'll be staying with my parents and siblings for 6 weeks).

Shortly after deciding this, something strange happened - we both started wanting sex. Obviously it's quite hard to give into it here and this week I'm on so we definitely won't be having sex :(
Anyway, last night I realised that I need dominance to turn me on really and I won't enjoy my sexuality without it. So I suggested that perhaps Settiano could still be my dominant when it comes to anything sexual and/or arousal. We know that this is quite similar to how we were doing it before but now I don't have the strain of pleasing all the time and the guilt I get when I'm not physically able. So physically our relationship has returned to the BDSM way it was, but mentally we are just boyfriend and girlfriend who enjoy kinky time in the bedroom. You can see why I haven't posted - please forgive me.

But I'm not finished. This morning I was looking at female chasity - particularly Agonizing Abstinence. One of my fantasies is that I'm not allowed to cum even when I want to. Settiano came over and saw what I was looking at and became interested. This was unexpected as I've mentioned it many times before but he's never found it something to be a turn on for him - until today. So we've decided that we'd like to experiment. As we're taking it slow, today is the first day of a 5 day abstinence for me. Today I had to edge (reach just before climax) myself once. Tomorrow I have to edge twice. The third day three times. You get the gist. Due to my M.E. if I'm unable to edge for a day due to inability then the task is postponed and I continue with how many edges I was up to the next day. If I don't meet quota then the next day I have to start at one again. I hope I've explained this relatively clearly.

Obviously I was quite horny as we were talking about it so started using my vibe - I just left it on my clit under my clothes while continuing to read about the subject so I was slowly getting closer but not too quickly as I wanted to enjoy the feeling. As I was getting closer, Settiano noticed and became hard. He took out his cock and got me to stroke it. It ended with me giving him a blowjob and him cumming so hard in my mouth that his legs barely held him up afterwards. I had pretty much edged during this as I made sure to rock onto the vibe as I sucked. He had a great orgasm, I had nothing. Am looking forward to tomorrow now and will try and remember to update here.

Changing

i started this blog to document how O/our relationship changes over time. Since then i have learnt that this is much harder to do than i anticipated.

It's not that W/we're not changing, more that the overall change is happening too slow for me to notice. Or else my emotions and feelings change so often that it would be futile to try to recall and write each of them down; it would be like trying to remember and tell every thought you had in a day.

What i have noticed is that my general attitude has changed. i am still the same person but now i'm much more relaxed about being submissive. i still think about what it means to be in a D/s relationship but not nearly as often as i once did. i believe that this is because i am more accepting to it. Not that i didn't want it before, but now i don't (often) want to dictate the relationship. i had an idea of what W/we should be like in my head and when it wasn't like that in real life i got confused or tried to manipulate U/us into my image of U/us. i don't try to do that now.

i've learnt that while W/we might not be how i imagined, W/we are better because W/we instinctively seem to know (usually) what each other needs. So i am now at peace with U/us progressing naturally. i am still just as excited to find out how O/our journey will unravel but now i am more concerned with living the journey rather than measuring the change.