Coming Out

i am aware that this post is two days late so firstly i must thank Master for granting me the extension due to uni work and my M.E. playing up. i have had a post in mind for quite a while and as it is to do with my uni work i might as well write it now.

One of my subjects within my course is Creative Non-Fiction which is mainly things like autobiography. i decided to write about my D/s lifestyle as it is the most important part of my life and i have the need to share it with others. When i asked about telling other people in BDSM forums i was met with shock and told to continue with caution as apparantly most people have such a misunderstanding of BDSM that they assume the worst of it such as abuse. To me, that is part of the reason i wanted to write about it - to give people a chance to understand me and why i live the way i do before they judge me for it. And it was something i felt i needed to write.

Now that i have finished writing it (and have handed it in) i am so glad i did so. Writing it was hard as finding the words to explain how i feel about certain things didn't come easy. But it meant i learnt myself what i really wanted to say and how i wanted to explain my relationship. i wrote mainly about the feelings and the relationship side of D/s. i am aware that there are many different ways of living this lifestyle and i wanted to make sure that the reader was aware that i was only talking of my experiences.

However, i found that my class was as supportive as i'd expected. My tutor was well informed about BDSM as she covers parts of it in Writing and Sexuality which is module i'm hoping to take next year. Most of my classmates had no understanding of BDSM but they all seemed to find it really interesting and when something was unclear or they had misunderstood my writing made sure that i corrected it so that it couldn't be misread. My class mainly focused on the writing itself (it is a creative writing course) but also suggested things that could be included. i was never judged for what i was writing about. i am surprised that so many people in the BDSM world have had negative experiences with 'vanilla' people not understanding them. i was brought up to accept everyone and never judge something i did not understand, and so, it appears, was most of my class (and if they did judge it was never mentioned).

Many people have said how brave i am for telling the truth about my relationship but i don't see it as something to hide. There is nothing wrong with what i do. i know that some people will disagree with that last statement but that is their choice and i believe that if more people spoke honestly, BDSM would not be so misunderstood. i'm not suggesting you tell your family (it isn't normal to want to tell your family when and how you have sex whether it be BDSM or not) or anyone you feel uncomfortable with but it can be a relief to let someone else know. My best friend was one of the first people i told. She still doesn't understand it but she accepts me for who i am - if she didn't, she wouldn't be my best friend. So why are we so afraid to speak up about what we do?

Response to 'Stoic'

After reading Swan's post here i knew that i needed to write a response. But now as i read it a second time i am struck by a completely different section of it, just goes to show how 24 hours can alter your perceptions on something.

Before, i wanted to focus on the subject that Swan is talking about - being stoic. i've never really considered this word before but after Swan's post i believe that that is how i used to live my life. It wasn't without joy or grief but what i felt of those emotions is just a single percentage to how i feel them now. The difference? Master. i know that it wasn't actually Master who brought me out of that state but He has been with me every step of the way, leading and helping me along. Because the reason that i was 'stoic' was fear (though i think i knew that on some level, i pushed it to the back of my mind). i was afraid that if i let myself feel anything i would open myself up to the hurt and pain others could cause me. i am still scared of being hurt, now more than ever because i now don't have a barricade. But the barricade between me and love & trust has also been taken down so i would say it has been worth it.

However, with the barricade down, i have been swamped with every emotion, often many in quick succession and in their extremes. This happened again this morning and led me down a quite destructive thought path. So today, when i reread the post, i was hit by the words "the internal life of the mind and the emotions remains within our power to direct. Our opinions are up to us, as are our impulses, desires, aversions, fears." i had not considered that and so have allowed myself to be swept along with with emotions. But i am realising that i want to have control of them once again - not to block them out but to direct them which, i believe, will make me a better submissive as Master shouldn't have to constantly deal the ups and downs i have been throwing Him. i know that it will be hard to learn to control my emotions and i know it won't happen overnight. But making the decision is the first step.

Needing More

Now that i am beginning to accept that Settiano as Master and myself as His, i am finding myself wanting me. The problem is that the wanting only seems to occur when i am not with His. When He is actually using me it can still be quite confusing and difficult to deal with. So i am wondering what is i really want. And if it matters, unless i actually need it, as it is what He wants and needs that comes first.

i think that it does matter, clearly the fact that i'm writing this is showing that i feel i need something, i'm just not sure what that something is. It is important because not having it is taking my focus away from Master and serving Him.

And i think that that is one of the things i need - focus. It is easy enough to focus when He is making me beg t be fucked or to make me cum. But obviously we aren't having sex all the time. So i need my focus shifted onto serving Him the rest of the time - when i am with Him and when i'm not (physically). So as i believe it is my job to focus myself as much as it is Master's, i (and Master would as well) appreciate any advice on how i can focus myself on Him.

Ordering

This post is not about being ordered about or ordering other people but being ordered for at a restaurant.

i am the type of person who is the first to order, loudly and clearly. Last night my Master decided He was going to order for me. Of course i did not argue, especially as i've always felt a slight resentment that He doesn't always clearly take the lead. i always wanted Him to order for me or at least go first, to stop me being so assertive, and last night i got my wish.

i'm still not entirely sure how i feel about it, though i'm certain it is in no way a negative reaction. i suddenly felt very submissive and could feel my body reacting submissively towards Master. That was one of the best feelings i've felt as a sub. Part of me even wondered how being forbidden to speak to anyone other than Master would feel - i hope to find out some day.

Being ordered for also slightly put me into little girl mode as i had my power but also my responsibility stripped from me publicly (in a sense).

What surprised me most was how comfortable i felt in the situation. i felt relieved that Master has become comfortable enough in His role to take it out of the bedroom. As He becomes more confident it is becoming easier for me to accept my role. i have also started acting more submissive as it's a natural reaction to His dominance. This is when i love and enjoy D/s. Not to mean that this is not what i want the rest of the time, but feeling natural is definitely best and it is also the time i most feel ready to accept the challenges of submission and to have my submission stretched.

The Necklace

My necklace (the one you see with my profile) is what some people would call my collar. i wear it all the time to show that i am owned. However i don't feel that it is a full-collar. W/we have not been together long enough to take that step (to me, being collared is akin to being married).

It wasn't until last week when the chain broke that i realised just how important this necklace is. Without it round my neck i felt lost and spent most of the day clutching the pendant while Master rushed off to buy a new chain. The necklace may mean that i am owned but to me it shows that i am loved and wanted and safe.

A few days later the new chain came undone and the pendant couldn't be found anywhere. Understandably i was very upset. However, later when Master was inside me, i could feel it around my neck - by it i mean His ownership.

W/we have found the pendant and it is around my neck once again. But i now know that although the necklace is a physical symbol of His ownership and love for me, it is He that is important, He that owns me and loves me and He who i think about when i feel the necklace around my neck.

i guess the point i'm trying to make is that while physical items can be important, they are not as important as what you feel and believe. If i had concentrated on the fact that my Master loved and owned me rather than focusing on the lost necklace i could have prevented a lot of bad feelings. In fact, it wasn't until i had accepted that the necklace wasn't His ownership but a symbol of it that i found the pendant when i wasn't even looking for it.

On Serving

my Master asked me to think and write about why i serve Him. The first part is bullet points as ideas came to me, the second is my overall explanation.

• Because it is a physical and outward way of showing how i feel about Him
• Because i have a deep need to serve to truly be who i am
• Because i believe that He has the ability to see my essence (i don't use the word soul) and release it through my submission
• Because i need the appreciation and validation (of myself and my ability to please) that only a Master or Owner can give me
• Because i need to please to feel fulfilled
• Because i need the feeling of happiness i get when He says 'good girl' in that voice
• Because His dominance lets me know i am loved, wanted and cherished

i serve Him simply because it is my most natural way of being. Serving is not a mask, but what happens when i take the mask off. It is an exposure of what is in my heart and essence. i serve because it is the way of being that i have chosen. It fulfills my need to be wanted, to be happy - all while being myself.

i serve Him because i trust Him. Yes i love Him which helps immensely with the serving, but i can still serve Him without love. i feel that He understands who i am (even if i don't) in the same way i understand Him. The universe has connected U/us and i think this is because W/we make each other strong, happy and fulfilled. W/we are 2 sides of the same coin and need each other to bring U/us out at O/our best. i also believe that D/s doesn't define U/us but gives U/us a firm structure as a base. It may not be necessary but without it W/we wouldn't last long. i see D/s as the foundation of O/our relationship. It may wobble but the foundation will keep it up-right. Without the foundation, the wobbles may make it fall in ruins. So i serve as it is the best way forward (in my mind) for U/us to build a strong and lasting relationship

Valentine's Day Part 2

W/we snuggled on the bed watching episodes of friends to unwind. i found myself slipping into little girl mode. This is a relatively new area for U/us and isn't usually particularly sexual - this time was different. Sir told me to tell Him what i wanted and even though it was hard for me to admit it, i told Him the truth - that i wanted to feel His hand on my thigh.

i was scared to admit it because i knew that it was 'wrong' (my mindset was that of an innocent and naive girl) but i couldn't resist how good Sir's hand felt between my legs. Sir obliged and slowly moved it up, always asking His naught girl if she wanted it higher (He made it clear beforehand that although He was calling me naught, i hadn't done anything wrong). Suddenly Sir put a finger into my pussy, it felt strange but very nice so when He asked if i wanted it deeper i had to say yes. Eventually the finger would go no deeper so He said He'd have to use His cock.

He made me hold it in my hand first before He moved on top of me and slowly inserted it in. As He did so, Sir talked to me telling me how well i was doing but also explaining to me what was happening. As i felt my orgasm build, Sir talked me through the feelings and then i exploded.

Although in the back of my mind i knew i'd had sex and orgasms many times before, this honestly felt like my first time. Sir kept fucking me and i could feel myself getting close again. When He came, that pushed me over the edge and i came hard once again. After this rather intense mini-roleplay scene, it took me a while to come out of little girl mode.

W/we continued to snuggle with lots of kissing (W/we hadn't kissed at all during the time that i was in little girl mode). W/we were getting close to sleep (it was about 2.30am) but Sir let me finger myself before He turned the light out. He watched as i used my fingers on my clit - sometimes mentioning little fantasies to spur me on. It wasn't too long before i was begging to cum and Master allowed me (which i hadn't been expecting). It is weird for me that He wants me to orgasm for Him just so He can watch but am more than happy when He springs these treats on me. i don't particularly like being watched but once i get started, it is the last thing i worry about as i'm much more into my own pleasure.

Then W/we went to sleep. The next day wasn't particularly eventful as W/we just snuggled and recovered from O/our very late (and very pleasurable) night.