Adieu (for now)

It seems, once again, i am apologizing for my lack of posts.  i had really hoped that this time i would have something to write about, or find a way in which i could say it.  Apparantly that has not been the place.  And so i'm saying adieu to this blog, but only for now.  Master and i have agreed to keep the space open, in case W/we wish to return to it at some point in the future.  Right now W/we must focus on life and university and simply getting through the next few months.

i hope i will find solace in this place once again, but for now, it will simply rust in the depths of cyberspace.  However, i will still try and read and comment once in a while on other blogs and will try to keep my blogroll updated, if nothing else.  So i direct to others who are writing about the BDSM lifestyle and hope you will find something useful and comforting in their words - i know i will.

New Year; New U/us

The last month of last year was filled with ups and downs.  There was a week over Christmas when Master and i were not together physically and it pulled at O/our hearts.  But when He arrived at mine, it seems the distance gave Him the chance to discover more of what He wants as a Dom.  When He arrived He was more forceful and more demanding.  It seemed He had finally found a place inside Him where He was at peace with hurting me (in a completely consensual way).

This is something i've been waiting for since the beginning of O/our relationship - for Him to be more demanding and make me truly feel like a slave.  But i didn't anticipate the emotional fallout it would cause inside me.  i'm still working through what happened as i shut down completely for a day or two, unsure of who or what i was.  But now i feel happy and content.  i don't know what changed, though i know reading D/s blogs helped immensely.  i just know that i'm now looking forward to where this new direction will take U/us.  i know it will challange both of U/us but i truly believe that that is what W/we need.  i know i certainly need to be pushed a little to feel content and now i know that Settiano is capable of being the Master i need.

He is still discovering His dominating style so i know it will still be a little hit and miss for a while.  But now i feel that W/we are on the right track and W/we are moving forward.  And the fact that it happened on the cusp of a new year just makes me smile at the coincidence of the timing.  A new year for new beginnings and for continuing to discover O/ourselves.

An Anecdote

In the past few weeks, Master Settiano has been becoming more forceful in what He wants.  And i am loving it.  i no longer worry that W/we are doing something because i want to do it - i know that if W/we do something it is because He wants it.

A quick example - about a week ago i was feeling particularly slutty wearing a dress and no underwear and i really wanted to get on all fours as He fucked me from behind.  He didn't really feel like doing that.  So instead He brought out my new vibrator (the remote controlled rabbit) and fucked me with it.  It ended with me feeling like the slut i needed to feel like but it was on His terms and therefore fulfilled both of U/us much more than if He'd followed what i wanted.  To be clear, i didn't want Him to use the vibrator and made it quite clear but when He gave me that look (i'm sure you know which one i mean) i opened my legs anyway and just accepted it.  That was the best thing i could possibly have done.  Accepting it took me to a new level of my submission - a level where i know that even if i'm not completely happy doing something, doing it anyway will usually lead to good results.

So basically, it's about trust (as so much of TTWD is) and i feel that i am beginning to learn to trust Settiano's judgement, because He seems to trust Himself.  And by trusting Him, i hope i become a better submissive for Him.

Shaved

Last week i shaved my pubic hair for Master.  i have attempted to keep it shaved since but not doing so well with that as shaving short hairs really doesn't agree with my body.

But anyway, having my pussy shaved is something W/we have talked about many times and W/we were both interested in it.  What W/we weren't prepared for was the emotional reaction i would have to losing my hair down there.  It made me feel naked and exposed - that wasn't the bad part.  i felt as though a part of me was missing (i guess technically it was) and it took me a while to get used to the idea of being 'naked'.  It has been shaved for a week now and i'm beginning to get used to it, though i'm still not sure if i actually like it or not (not that that has any relevance to whether it stays shaved or not).  Master seems to love it and He's fucked me more times this week than He has for a while.  i'd like to think it was just my sexy charm but it would be naive to think that it has nothing to do with being shaved.

my Return

So it seems that the posting sporadically turned into not posting at all and for that, my dear readers, i am truly sorry.  It would be futile for me to explain the past however many months, as i can barely remember them.  There was a period where O/our sexual life pretty much ceased.  And then W/we seemed to find O/our mojo again but only as boyfriend and girlfriend.  And now it seems W/we are back to D/s. 

i always knew W/we would return, it was just a question of when and how.  W/we are still working out the how.  W/we know that i need rules (W/we've scrapped everything from before and starting again) but Settiano wants rules that mean something.  So far the only rule is that i am not to touch my pussy or my breasts without His permission (except when washing and wiping).  This is to bring home that i am His, that i have lost my right to play with my body because it isn't mine - it's His.

W/we are also moving into a place of pain.  Not a lot of pain but He has started enjoying inflicting and i enjoy knowing that i am His to do with what He wants.

So i hope that this time around i'll be a better submissive and a better blogger.  i have missed you all so much and am trying to catch up on blog posts but only from the previous two weeks onwards - if you feel that there is something i probably missed that i should read i would really appreciate you leaving a link.  And i hope that this time around everything will work out better (in both O/our relationship and the relationship i have with all you blogging peeps).

Problems

Day 4 (Friday) started well as you've already read. At about 3pm I started looking at porn. At about 4pm I lay on the bed with my bullet and got to work on my second edge. After reaching the edge I had a little rest but couldn't resist continuing. Unfortunately this was my downfall. Before you ask, no, I did not cum.

I should probably mention here that I used to have a porn/masturbation addiction of sorts. Before I met Settiano I would spend large portions of the day getting myself off and trawling the internet for anything to turn me on. It made me feel disgusting and dirty, which is exactly what turned me on, so I couldn't stop. When I started dating Settiano it died out a little at a time until I didn't even realise that it had stopped.

On Friday it all came back. Playing with myself under the sheets, thinking what a dirty slut I am to get myself closer. Unfortunately when I couldn't reach my third edge it hit me what was happening and it ended in tears.

We decided to leave this little test for another time (I think) and it wasn't until this morning that I had the courage to masturbate as I was so worried how it would effect my emotions and opinions of myself. It went well, I didn't cum but I did (sort of) enjoy it so I'm hoping that I can get back to my normal healthily sexual self. It may take time so please excuse any sporadic posting for a while, thank you.

Day 3

Wednesday Settiano decided to give me an extra edge. The thing is, I'm only allowed to stimulate myself if I'm giving myself an edge - and I have to do the set number of edges for the day. But other than that, Settiano can tease and stimulate me as much or as little as he wants. So on Wednesday he decided to put his fingers on my clit and rub and rub and rub until I couldn't take anymore.

Thursday (Day 3) I awoke a little horny but I was also half asleep. I figured getting to the edge would either wake me up or send me back to sleep so I reached for my vibe and pressed it against my clit. I got right up to the edge before allowing myself to move the vibe away. And for those of you interested, it woke me up. Settiano and I spent the day out (although quite a few hours of that was spent on a bus which was hell as I felt every little bump, gods, I hope one day to try sitting on a dildo on a bus as that will be hell and heaven in one. I didn't get another chance to edge until we were pretty much getting ready for bed. I imagined having my legs spread, my hands cuffed together using the vibe and being watched, surveyed. To add to it Settiano started looking me over which he knows always sets me going as being viewed as a piece of meat always turns me on. He got out his cock but wouldn't let me suck or even look at it much, though I was allowed to give him a short hand job. I almost came.

It took me a few minutes and random talking about nothing to bring me down again. Then it was straight back to using my vibe while Settiano weaved a fantasy (one that I can't even remember now). I got as close to the edge as I think I've ever been. I honestly believe that if I hadn't taken the vibe off when I did it would have been less than a second before I came. My body stayed at that level for quite a while and every sex thought I had made me want to cum so bad. But of course I didn't. Instead I tried to get to sleep. Being that horny made it almost impossible. OK, I did sleep eventually, and I slept well, but I was horny the whole time, even in my dreams I was so horny.

This morning (Day 4) I started using my fingers. However I just couldn't get the effect I wanted so once again I turned to my vibe. Settiano told me to imagine him using me hard and cumming inside me then forcing another woman's head into my pussy to lap up all his cum. It really didn't take me long to get to the edge. Now I'm looking forward to 3 more edges today

Day 2

Last night Settiano decided to drive me absolutely insane with his hands roaming over every part of my body except my pussy and weaving a fantasy - one in which I came many times. To say I was frustrated would be an understatement so I was very surprised that I got a good night's sleep; I think I must have just been that tired.

Today I wasn't really in the mood for anything so it was quite late in the afternoon that I started reading a few things online - mainly centering on denial - to get me in the mood for my first edge. I then needed a rest, during which my bullet (the main vibe I'll be using this week as it's the best one I've got with me and is practically silent) made it onto my clit. However it didn't really get interesting till Settiano started telling me a fantasy. I have to say that this is something he is brilliant with - not only can he turn me on with a look or a kiss, but he has an ability to tell fantasies so I can imagine them very vividly. I'm a writer but this is something I just can't do!

The fantasy centered on me being fucked and licking out another woman - this is one of our favourites and is used a lot. Today we also included a little bit of denial so I only came three times in the fantasy.

My vibe started to die so I decided to switch to fingers and got myself right to the very edge. It was at the point that if I'd kept going for any longer I would probably not have been able to control myself. For quite a while after this my body was still tingling and wracked with frustration as I wanted to cum so badly. Since then I have been quite motivated and I have felt my pussy constantly.

Watching me getting so close and knowing I wasn't getting any relief turned Settiano on a lot so I asked to suck his cock which he was more than happy to agree with. Unfortunately his mum interrupted us but I'm thinking I'll probably suck him off again tonight. Now I'm going to start using my vibe again and find me some porn.

Change

Sorry I haven't written here in so long - so much has been happening and this blog sort of got stuck by the wayside. At the moment we are staying with Settiano's parents and family which has put an inordinate amount of strain on the BDSM aspect of our relationship. We weren't feeling sexual and I began to doubt myself as a submissive. So we decided to go on a break (hence the change in my writing here) til at least we are back at uni and at neither parents (after 6 weeks here, we'll be staying with my parents and siblings for 6 weeks).

Shortly after deciding this, something strange happened - we both started wanting sex. Obviously it's quite hard to give into it here and this week I'm on so we definitely won't be having sex :(
Anyway, last night I realised that I need dominance to turn me on really and I won't enjoy my sexuality without it. So I suggested that perhaps Settiano could still be my dominant when it comes to anything sexual and/or arousal. We know that this is quite similar to how we were doing it before but now I don't have the strain of pleasing all the time and the guilt I get when I'm not physically able. So physically our relationship has returned to the BDSM way it was, but mentally we are just boyfriend and girlfriend who enjoy kinky time in the bedroom. You can see why I haven't posted - please forgive me.

But I'm not finished. This morning I was looking at female chasity - particularly Agonizing Abstinence. One of my fantasies is that I'm not allowed to cum even when I want to. Settiano came over and saw what I was looking at and became interested. This was unexpected as I've mentioned it many times before but he's never found it something to be a turn on for him - until today. So we've decided that we'd like to experiment. As we're taking it slow, today is the first day of a 5 day abstinence for me. Today I had to edge (reach just before climax) myself once. Tomorrow I have to edge twice. The third day three times. You get the gist. Due to my M.E. if I'm unable to edge for a day due to inability then the task is postponed and I continue with how many edges I was up to the next day. If I don't meet quota then the next day I have to start at one again. I hope I've explained this relatively clearly.

Obviously I was quite horny as we were talking about it so started using my vibe - I just left it on my clit under my clothes while continuing to read about the subject so I was slowly getting closer but not too quickly as I wanted to enjoy the feeling. As I was getting closer, Settiano noticed and became hard. He took out his cock and got me to stroke it. It ended with me giving him a blowjob and him cumming so hard in my mouth that his legs barely held him up afterwards. I had pretty much edged during this as I made sure to rock onto the vibe as I sucked. He had a great orgasm, I had nothing. Am looking forward to tomorrow now and will try and remember to update here.

Changing

i started this blog to document how O/our relationship changes over time. Since then i have learnt that this is much harder to do than i anticipated.

It's not that W/we're not changing, more that the overall change is happening too slow for me to notice. Or else my emotions and feelings change so often that it would be futile to try to recall and write each of them down; it would be like trying to remember and tell every thought you had in a day.

What i have noticed is that my general attitude has changed. i am still the same person but now i'm much more relaxed about being submissive. i still think about what it means to be in a D/s relationship but not nearly as often as i once did. i believe that this is because i am more accepting to it. Not that i didn't want it before, but now i don't (often) want to dictate the relationship. i had an idea of what W/we should be like in my head and when it wasn't like that in real life i got confused or tried to manipulate U/us into my image of U/us. i don't try to do that now.

i've learnt that while W/we might not be how i imagined, W/we are better because W/we instinctively seem to know (usually) what each other needs. So i am now at peace with U/us progressing naturally. i am still just as excited to find out how O/our journey will unravel but now i am more concerned with living the journey rather than measuring the change.

His Cum

For two nights i slept with His cum inside me. i have never felt so owned, nor so content. Every time i moved i was reminded that i am His by His cum leaking down my leg. i let it drip, knowing that that's where it belongs. i didn't want to wipe it away so for two nights i let it dry on me.

Those two nights were a big step for me as i didn't freak out once about what i am giving Him. Because, even though i knew it before, i am now completely certain that this is where i belong. With Him. His. Owned by Him. And it is the best way to lead to happiness.

i'm not saying i won't freak out again. i know me and i know i will. But i also know that now i can cope with the aftermath. i can cope because of Him, not in spite of Him. i am His and he is my Master. W/we belong together, with each other, with His cum in me, on me and wherever else He chooses.

Pain

Master mentioned pain a week or so ago and ever since it has been in my mind. i want to be spanked. Hard. i want to be whipped, flogged, caned. The cane has caught my imagination the most. i imagine it biting into my arse and leaving red marks. Of course i have no way of knowing how it will feel. How any of it will feel as i have only been lightly spanked and flogged so far. Never hard enough to me release tears.

But today the pain scares me. i read this post and suddenly i don't want to know. i hate it when Master hurts my nipples. Even though i know He is barely pinching them. But after reading about that kind of pain i am glad He is not a sadist. But i still don't want Him going near my nipples for a while.

Of course, if He wants it, i will submit. But i already know that if that's what He asks of me right now, it will be the hardest thing ever to submit. i hope i would be able to. If He really wants it.

Subspace

i have had my first experience with subspace. At least that is the only way i can comprehend it. i know it wasn't as deep as i know i will be able to go.

It was completely unexpected and happened sometime during or after Master fucked me. It was intense but not in the way i am used to. And i gained a sense of calm from serving. He was calling me a slut but i knew that right then i wasn't, but it didn't matter because i was His. i became completely focused Him.

After He had fucked me W/we lay together. i don't remember anything else. Except the feeling. i was immersed in Him and felt calm and happy and blissful.

Then i came out of it. Unfortunately i suddenly jumped out of it and was in a state of shock - shaking, cold and crying. Master let me cry, warmed me up and gave me chocolate - it wasn't long before i felt happy again. i can't wait for this feeling to come over me again though i won't look for it. Also i'm hoping i won't come out of it as suddenly as it ruined the emotionality of the feeling and the experience.

Master would like to know if anyone has any ideas as to how He can help ease me out of the subspace state?

Teenager

Yesterday i discovered a new mind-set. i was wearing my little girl dress (so named because the moment i put it on i enter the little girl mind-set) as Master said He missed Hiss little girl. Due to uni stresses for both of U/us she hasn't really had a chance to come out and play. i had been wearing the dress all day in anticipation but with jeans which has no where near the same effect. So when i took the jeans off i felt the transformation into a little girl. When i say little girl i mean i feel/think/act as if i'm between 5 and 8 yrs old (depending on situation) and this time was no differeint for the first few minutes.

That was when something changed. i'm not sure what changed exactly but i felt 15. Granted, a very naive 15 yr old but then again i was a very naive 15 yr old in real life (it's the age i got my first 'real' boyfriend and my first kiss). So yesterday when i felt 15 i had a whole scenario in my mind. i knew i was with my boyfriend who was about 20 (which is His real age) but i also felt as if it was the beginning of the relationship. i felt ready for sex (something i definitely wasn't ready for at 15) yet i was slightly unsure as i felt a virgin.

Now in the back of my mind i knew who i am, how old i am etc. as i always do. But i honestly felt and believed i was the teenager. i didn't act it out, i was it. i know this sounds completely crazy but if i had allowed the back of my mind to switch off i do believe i would have been that 15 yr old until my mind snapped out of it. i didn't need to create her, she was already somewhere inside me and i feel happy for her that she has found a way out to express herself.

i really enjoyed being the teenager - she is the teenager i wish i had been - and i'm looking forward to many experiences with her. There is nothing like being a teenager in love for the first time. Though of course i would take my submission and love for Master any day.

Written 16th May

Lately i have not been feeling particularly comfortable as a submissive and last night i worked out why. Yesterday a situation arose and i responded as any girlfriend would - i got angry and went home to get some space. But i feel that that wasn't how a submissive should react and i'm still working out what i should have done. When i was trying to calm down i had two opposing thoughts. The girlfriend knew she had every right to get mad a ther boyfriend. The submissive knew she shouldn't have reacted that way and wanted to apologise and make it up to her Master. The problem was that Sir Settiano reacted to the situation as a boyfriend would which has made the line between boyfriend/girlfriend and Master/submissiver become so blurry i no longer know where i stand. i think it has been happening for a while but i have only just noticed.

i feel like i want to be owned in every aspect of my life but at the moment Sir is only able to command my body. Don't get me wrong, i absolutely love Him being my Master in the bedroom as it were, but i want/need Him to be my Master in the rest of my life as well. i need Him to learn how to control my mind and my feelings as well as my body. i don't know how to help Him other than to let Him know how i feel (which is what i am doing now) but i need to feel as if i'm Him, not just know it.

Blogging

As you may have noticed, my blogging buzz has come back. It seems to be in sync with my submission. When i wasn't feeling particularly submissive and O/our relationship was in a natural lull, my blogging seemed to follow suit.

Andn ow things are picking up again. W/we are both reaching the end of the uni year meaning W/we are anticipating lots of time when W/we can focus on U/us and give plenty of thought to O/our D/s lifestyle. With that comes a sudden influx of thoughts and ideas i want to share with you. i am hoping my M.E. won't bring me down again and prevent me from being as motivated and rejuvinated as i feel.

Submission & Disability

As i mentioned in my previous post, i have M.E. also known as C.F.S. Lately i have been going through a particularly bad phase where i rarely leave the house because i simply don't have the energy and standing for any period of time can be very painful. Through all this my Master has supported me and looked after me in a way that only love and devotion can cause. And i am ever so grateful to Him.

i have always been independant so having to rely on anyone has always been difficult. Yet i have learnt to accept Master's help. But still i often feel a failure as i am unable to serve in the way i feel i should. Master says it does not matter as He understands. But it matters to me as i feel i am unable to serve Him properly. He deserves someone who can cook and clean and give Him blowjobs on demand. And i can't always hive Him this. He says He wants me. But i need more than Him, i need to serve Him. Without it i am unfulfilled.

i am still His but i am finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that sometimes i need Him to care for me. i don't like being a burden. But equally i knwo that if i overdo it i will never recover enough to serve Him the way i dream.

Coming Out

i am aware that this post is two days late so firstly i must thank Master for granting me the extension due to uni work and my M.E. playing up. i have had a post in mind for quite a while and as it is to do with my uni work i might as well write it now.

One of my subjects within my course is Creative Non-Fiction which is mainly things like autobiography. i decided to write about my D/s lifestyle as it is the most important part of my life and i have the need to share it with others. When i asked about telling other people in BDSM forums i was met with shock and told to continue with caution as apparantly most people have such a misunderstanding of BDSM that they assume the worst of it such as abuse. To me, that is part of the reason i wanted to write about it - to give people a chance to understand me and why i live the way i do before they judge me for it. And it was something i felt i needed to write.

Now that i have finished writing it (and have handed it in) i am so glad i did so. Writing it was hard as finding the words to explain how i feel about certain things didn't come easy. But it meant i learnt myself what i really wanted to say and how i wanted to explain my relationship. i wrote mainly about the feelings and the relationship side of D/s. i am aware that there are many different ways of living this lifestyle and i wanted to make sure that the reader was aware that i was only talking of my experiences.

However, i found that my class was as supportive as i'd expected. My tutor was well informed about BDSM as she covers parts of it in Writing and Sexuality which is module i'm hoping to take next year. Most of my classmates had no understanding of BDSM but they all seemed to find it really interesting and when something was unclear or they had misunderstood my writing made sure that i corrected it so that it couldn't be misread. My class mainly focused on the writing itself (it is a creative writing course) but also suggested things that could be included. i was never judged for what i was writing about. i am surprised that so many people in the BDSM world have had negative experiences with 'vanilla' people not understanding them. i was brought up to accept everyone and never judge something i did not understand, and so, it appears, was most of my class (and if they did judge it was never mentioned).

Many people have said how brave i am for telling the truth about my relationship but i don't see it as something to hide. There is nothing wrong with what i do. i know that some people will disagree with that last statement but that is their choice and i believe that if more people spoke honestly, BDSM would not be so misunderstood. i'm not suggesting you tell your family (it isn't normal to want to tell your family when and how you have sex whether it be BDSM or not) or anyone you feel uncomfortable with but it can be a relief to let someone else know. My best friend was one of the first people i told. She still doesn't understand it but she accepts me for who i am - if she didn't, she wouldn't be my best friend. So why are we so afraid to speak up about what we do?

Response to 'Stoic'

After reading Swan's post here i knew that i needed to write a response. But now as i read it a second time i am struck by a completely different section of it, just goes to show how 24 hours can alter your perceptions on something.

Before, i wanted to focus on the subject that Swan is talking about - being stoic. i've never really considered this word before but after Swan's post i believe that that is how i used to live my life. It wasn't without joy or grief but what i felt of those emotions is just a single percentage to how i feel them now. The difference? Master. i know that it wasn't actually Master who brought me out of that state but He has been with me every step of the way, leading and helping me along. Because the reason that i was 'stoic' was fear (though i think i knew that on some level, i pushed it to the back of my mind). i was afraid that if i let myself feel anything i would open myself up to the hurt and pain others could cause me. i am still scared of being hurt, now more than ever because i now don't have a barricade. But the barricade between me and love & trust has also been taken down so i would say it has been worth it.

However, with the barricade down, i have been swamped with every emotion, often many in quick succession and in their extremes. This happened again this morning and led me down a quite destructive thought path. So today, when i reread the post, i was hit by the words "the internal life of the mind and the emotions remains within our power to direct. Our opinions are up to us, as are our impulses, desires, aversions, fears." i had not considered that and so have allowed myself to be swept along with with emotions. But i am realising that i want to have control of them once again - not to block them out but to direct them which, i believe, will make me a better submissive as Master shouldn't have to constantly deal the ups and downs i have been throwing Him. i know that it will be hard to learn to control my emotions and i know it won't happen overnight. But making the decision is the first step.

Needing More

Now that i am beginning to accept that Settiano as Master and myself as His, i am finding myself wanting me. The problem is that the wanting only seems to occur when i am not with His. When He is actually using me it can still be quite confusing and difficult to deal with. So i am wondering what is i really want. And if it matters, unless i actually need it, as it is what He wants and needs that comes first.

i think that it does matter, clearly the fact that i'm writing this is showing that i feel i need something, i'm just not sure what that something is. It is important because not having it is taking my focus away from Master and serving Him.

And i think that that is one of the things i need - focus. It is easy enough to focus when He is making me beg t be fucked or to make me cum. But obviously we aren't having sex all the time. So i need my focus shifted onto serving Him the rest of the time - when i am with Him and when i'm not (physically). So as i believe it is my job to focus myself as much as it is Master's, i (and Master would as well) appreciate any advice on how i can focus myself on Him.