New Year; New U/us

The last month of last year was filled with ups and downs.  There was a week over Christmas when Master and i were not together physically and it pulled at O/our hearts.  But when He arrived at mine, it seems the distance gave Him the chance to discover more of what He wants as a Dom.  When He arrived He was more forceful and more demanding.  It seemed He had finally found a place inside Him where He was at peace with hurting me (in a completely consensual way).

This is something i've been waiting for since the beginning of O/our relationship - for Him to be more demanding and make me truly feel like a slave.  But i didn't anticipate the emotional fallout it would cause inside me.  i'm still working through what happened as i shut down completely for a day or two, unsure of who or what i was.  But now i feel happy and content.  i don't know what changed, though i know reading D/s blogs helped immensely.  i just know that i'm now looking forward to where this new direction will take U/us.  i know it will challange both of U/us but i truly believe that that is what W/we need.  i know i certainly need to be pushed a little to feel content and now i know that Settiano is capable of being the Master i need.

He is still discovering His dominating style so i know it will still be a little hit and miss for a while.  But now i feel that W/we are on the right track and W/we are moving forward.  And the fact that it happened on the cusp of a new year just makes me smile at the coincidence of the timing.  A new year for new beginnings and for continuing to discover O/ourselves.

Response to 'Stoic'

After reading Swan's post here i knew that i needed to write a response. But now as i read it a second time i am struck by a completely different section of it, just goes to show how 24 hours can alter your perceptions on something.

Before, i wanted to focus on the subject that Swan is talking about - being stoic. i've never really considered this word before but after Swan's post i believe that that is how i used to live my life. It wasn't without joy or grief but what i felt of those emotions is just a single percentage to how i feel them now. The difference? Master. i know that it wasn't actually Master who brought me out of that state but He has been with me every step of the way, leading and helping me along. Because the reason that i was 'stoic' was fear (though i think i knew that on some level, i pushed it to the back of my mind). i was afraid that if i let myself feel anything i would open myself up to the hurt and pain others could cause me. i am still scared of being hurt, now more than ever because i now don't have a barricade. But the barricade between me and love & trust has also been taken down so i would say it has been worth it.

However, with the barricade down, i have been swamped with every emotion, often many in quick succession and in their extremes. This happened again this morning and led me down a quite destructive thought path. So today, when i reread the post, i was hit by the words "the internal life of the mind and the emotions remains within our power to direct. Our opinions are up to us, as are our impulses, desires, aversions, fears." i had not considered that and so have allowed myself to be swept along with with emotions. But i am realising that i want to have control of them once again - not to block them out but to direct them which, i believe, will make me a better submissive as Master shouldn't have to constantly deal the ups and downs i have been throwing Him. i know that it will be hard to learn to control my emotions and i know it won't happen overnight. But making the decision is the first step.