Subspace

i have had my first experience with subspace. At least that is the only way i can comprehend it. i know it wasn't as deep as i know i will be able to go.

It was completely unexpected and happened sometime during or after Master fucked me. It was intense but not in the way i am used to. And i gained a sense of calm from serving. He was calling me a slut but i knew that right then i wasn't, but it didn't matter because i was His. i became completely focused Him.

After He had fucked me W/we lay together. i don't remember anything else. Except the feeling. i was immersed in Him and felt calm and happy and blissful.

Then i came out of it. Unfortunately i suddenly jumped out of it and was in a state of shock - shaking, cold and crying. Master let me cry, warmed me up and gave me chocolate - it wasn't long before i felt happy again. i can't wait for this feeling to come over me again though i won't look for it. Also i'm hoping i won't come out of it as suddenly as it ruined the emotionality of the feeling and the experience.

Master would like to know if anyone has any ideas as to how He can help ease me out of the subspace state?

Written 16th May

Lately i have not been feeling particularly comfortable as a submissive and last night i worked out why. Yesterday a situation arose and i responded as any girlfriend would - i got angry and went home to get some space. But i feel that that wasn't how a submissive should react and i'm still working out what i should have done. When i was trying to calm down i had two opposing thoughts. The girlfriend knew she had every right to get mad a ther boyfriend. The submissive knew she shouldn't have reacted that way and wanted to apologise and make it up to her Master. The problem was that Sir Settiano reacted to the situation as a boyfriend would which has made the line between boyfriend/girlfriend and Master/submissiver become so blurry i no longer know where i stand. i think it has been happening for a while but i have only just noticed.

i feel like i want to be owned in every aspect of my life but at the moment Sir is only able to command my body. Don't get me wrong, i absolutely love Him being my Master in the bedroom as it were, but i want/need Him to be my Master in the rest of my life as well. i need Him to learn how to control my mind and my feelings as well as my body. i don't know how to help Him other than to let Him know how i feel (which is what i am doing now) but i need to feel as if i'm Him, not just know it.

Submission & Disability

As i mentioned in my previous post, i have M.E. also known as C.F.S. Lately i have been going through a particularly bad phase where i rarely leave the house because i simply don't have the energy and standing for any period of time can be very painful. Through all this my Master has supported me and looked after me in a way that only love and devotion can cause. And i am ever so grateful to Him.

i have always been independant so having to rely on anyone has always been difficult. Yet i have learnt to accept Master's help. But still i often feel a failure as i am unable to serve in the way i feel i should. Master says it does not matter as He understands. But it matters to me as i feel i am unable to serve Him properly. He deserves someone who can cook and clean and give Him blowjobs on demand. And i can't always hive Him this. He says He wants me. But i need more than Him, i need to serve Him. Without it i am unfulfilled.

i am still His but i am finding it difficult to come to terms with the fact that sometimes i need Him to care for me. i don't like being a burden. But equally i knwo that if i overdo it i will never recover enough to serve Him the way i dream.

Needing More

Now that i am beginning to accept that Settiano as Master and myself as His, i am finding myself wanting me. The problem is that the wanting only seems to occur when i am not with His. When He is actually using me it can still be quite confusing and difficult to deal with. So i am wondering what is i really want. And if it matters, unless i actually need it, as it is what He wants and needs that comes first.

i think that it does matter, clearly the fact that i'm writing this is showing that i feel i need something, i'm just not sure what that something is. It is important because not having it is taking my focus away from Master and serving Him.

And i think that that is one of the things i need - focus. It is easy enough to focus when He is making me beg t be fucked or to make me cum. But obviously we aren't having sex all the time. So i need my focus shifted onto serving Him the rest of the time - when i am with Him and when i'm not (physically). So as i believe it is my job to focus myself as much as it is Master's, i (and Master would as well) appreciate any advice on how i can focus myself on Him.

Ordering

This post is not about being ordered about or ordering other people but being ordered for at a restaurant.

i am the type of person who is the first to order, loudly and clearly. Last night my Master decided He was going to order for me. Of course i did not argue, especially as i've always felt a slight resentment that He doesn't always clearly take the lead. i always wanted Him to order for me or at least go first, to stop me being so assertive, and last night i got my wish.

i'm still not entirely sure how i feel about it, though i'm certain it is in no way a negative reaction. i suddenly felt very submissive and could feel my body reacting submissively towards Master. That was one of the best feelings i've felt as a sub. Part of me even wondered how being forbidden to speak to anyone other than Master would feel - i hope to find out some day.

Being ordered for also slightly put me into little girl mode as i had my power but also my responsibility stripped from me publicly (in a sense).

What surprised me most was how comfortable i felt in the situation. i felt relieved that Master has become comfortable enough in His role to take it out of the bedroom. As He becomes more confident it is becoming easier for me to accept my role. i have also started acting more submissive as it's a natural reaction to His dominance. This is when i love and enjoy D/s. Not to mean that this is not what i want the rest of the time, but feeling natural is definitely best and it is also the time i most feel ready to accept the challenges of submission and to have my submission stretched.

On Serving

my Master asked me to think and write about why i serve Him. The first part is bullet points as ideas came to me, the second is my overall explanation.

• Because it is a physical and outward way of showing how i feel about Him
• Because i have a deep need to serve to truly be who i am
• Because i believe that He has the ability to see my essence (i don't use the word soul) and release it through my submission
• Because i need the appreciation and validation (of myself and my ability to please) that only a Master or Owner can give me
• Because i need to please to feel fulfilled
• Because i need the feeling of happiness i get when He says 'good girl' in that voice
• Because His dominance lets me know i am loved, wanted and cherished

i serve Him simply because it is my most natural way of being. Serving is not a mask, but what happens when i take the mask off. It is an exposure of what is in my heart and essence. i serve because it is the way of being that i have chosen. It fulfills my need to be wanted, to be happy - all while being myself.

i serve Him because i trust Him. Yes i love Him which helps immensely with the serving, but i can still serve Him without love. i feel that He understands who i am (even if i don't) in the same way i understand Him. The universe has connected U/us and i think this is because W/we make each other strong, happy and fulfilled. W/we are 2 sides of the same coin and need each other to bring U/us out at O/our best. i also believe that D/s doesn't define U/us but gives U/us a firm structure as a base. It may not be necessary but without it W/we wouldn't last long. i see D/s as the foundation of O/our relationship. It may wobble but the foundation will keep it up-right. Without the foundation, the wobbles may make it fall in ruins. So i serve as it is the best way forward (in my mind) for U/us to build a strong and lasting relationship

Owned

i know i promised you the rest of the Valentine's Day story and i will post it tomorrow, but my Master has asked me to post about something that happened today so that's what i'm going to do.

Today Master owned me. He watched me, He felt my skin, but most of all He fucked me. i was His and my job was to give His cock pleasure with my pussy. He didn't ask for it because it is already His. His to use, His to play with, His to show off to others.

He told me what He could do. That He could invite anyone into the room and order me to strip. Or i could be tied to the bed, already naked. He let me imagine. Being naked in a room full of people. Their hands on my breasts, on my arse and in my pussy. They would be allowed to play with me but never fuck me. Only He can fuck me for i am His.

This was the fantasy He weaved as He used my body. And i wanted it, i craved it. Because it bore the truth - i am His to use however and be used by whoever He chooses. It is still only a fantasy to have Him watch me being used by others, but one day i will be ready for it. But the being owned - that is the reality and fills my heart with happiness every time i feel it.

Valentine's Day Part 1

W/we welcomed Valentine's day with Master's cock in my mouth. Sucking His cock is one of my all time favourite activities and this time was the top end of experiences. He gave me only one command and that was to please Him, which had been my intent anyway. It started with Him lying on His side then on His back with me licking His shaft, sucking on His balls and then seeing how much of Him i could get into my mouth and throat. After a while, He stood up and i continued bobbing my head up and down - i was in heaven. At about quarter past midnight, Sir came in my mouth and i swallowed it all down.

W/we rested a while, on the bed, me completely naked and Master wearing His boxers, just snuggling together. It wasn't long however, before i started grinding my pussy against His leg. When He realised what i was doing, He tensed His leg and moved so i couldn't get the pleasure i wanted, so my movements became much more with the thrusting. Master told me to imagine i was fucking a large dildo that was being held in place. This was when Master moved His leg away so i was fucking the air.

"you're such a slut."

"i know Sir."

"you know what?"

"That i'm a slut Sir"

"Who's slut?"

"i'm Your slut Sir."

He let me continue fucking the air for a while, constantly reminding me of what a slut i was. Eventually i started begging for Him to fuck me. i was soaking and just wanted/needed Him inside me. He said He was waiting for me to look completely desperate. Finally, after what seemed like forever to me, He pulled me onto my back, opened my legs and ... didn't enter me. No, He tortured me some more, making sure i could feel His cock so close to my pussy. And then He slammed it in. And He pounded and pounded me, grabbing my wrists and hair in the process - telling me what a slut i was and that i was His slut. i absolutely loved it and found myself begging for more and more and had to use a lot of effort not to make too much noise as my housemates were home. Just as Master was about to cum, He looked me in the eye and said "cum". i exploded on that word as i had been holding back until i had permission. It was fantastic and afterwards He held me and told me how well i'd done. i felt so proud of myself and happy that i'd pleased my Master. But that was just the first of many orgasms that day.

To be continued ...

The Little 'i'

You may have noticed that i am using a little 'i' when i refer to myself. This is at the request of my Master - it shows who is in command.

i personally have had (and sometimes still have) many issues with the use of the little 'i' and not just because i am a writer. i have felt that it makes my role* as a submissive more insignificant than my Master's role as dominant. Therefore making me feel insignificant in the relationship. i know that i am not insignificant and that my Master doesn't see me as such, but that is how i've felt when made to reduce myself to little letters.

i still have these feeling sometimes but they are occurring less often. The reason i have continued using the little 'i' is because my Master has asked it of me. The one thing i want to do in this world is to please Him. And if He feels that showing my respect towards Him through the use of the little 'i' is important then i will try and follow that protocol.

However, i have never had issues capitalising pronouns that relate to Master Settiano. In my mind it distinguishes Him from everybody else - not to imply that He is better than everyone else (He is only human) but to imply that He is the centre of my world.

* i do not see my submission as a game or something i act out - it is in every aspect of O/our relationship and part of who i am. The reason i use the word 'role' here is because it is not all that i am.