Day 2

Last night Settiano decided to drive me absolutely insane with his hands roaming over every part of my body except my pussy and weaving a fantasy - one in which I came many times. To say I was frustrated would be an understatement so I was very surprised that I got a good night's sleep; I think I must have just been that tired.

Today I wasn't really in the mood for anything so it was quite late in the afternoon that I started reading a few things online - mainly centering on denial - to get me in the mood for my first edge. I then needed a rest, during which my bullet (the main vibe I'll be using this week as it's the best one I've got with me and is practically silent) made it onto my clit. However it didn't really get interesting till Settiano started telling me a fantasy. I have to say that this is something he is brilliant with - not only can he turn me on with a look or a kiss, but he has an ability to tell fantasies so I can imagine them very vividly. I'm a writer but this is something I just can't do!

The fantasy centered on me being fucked and licking out another woman - this is one of our favourites and is used a lot. Today we also included a little bit of denial so I only came three times in the fantasy.

My vibe started to die so I decided to switch to fingers and got myself right to the very edge. It was at the point that if I'd kept going for any longer I would probably not have been able to control myself. For quite a while after this my body was still tingling and wracked with frustration as I wanted to cum so badly. Since then I have been quite motivated and I have felt my pussy constantly.

Watching me getting so close and knowing I wasn't getting any relief turned Settiano on a lot so I asked to suck his cock which he was more than happy to agree with. Unfortunately his mum interrupted us but I'm thinking I'll probably suck him off again tonight. Now I'm going to start using my vibe again and find me some porn.

Change

Sorry I haven't written here in so long - so much has been happening and this blog sort of got stuck by the wayside. At the moment we are staying with Settiano's parents and family which has put an inordinate amount of strain on the BDSM aspect of our relationship. We weren't feeling sexual and I began to doubt myself as a submissive. So we decided to go on a break (hence the change in my writing here) til at least we are back at uni and at neither parents (after 6 weeks here, we'll be staying with my parents and siblings for 6 weeks).

Shortly after deciding this, something strange happened - we both started wanting sex. Obviously it's quite hard to give into it here and this week I'm on so we definitely won't be having sex :(
Anyway, last night I realised that I need dominance to turn me on really and I won't enjoy my sexuality without it. So I suggested that perhaps Settiano could still be my dominant when it comes to anything sexual and/or arousal. We know that this is quite similar to how we were doing it before but now I don't have the strain of pleasing all the time and the guilt I get when I'm not physically able. So physically our relationship has returned to the BDSM way it was, but mentally we are just boyfriend and girlfriend who enjoy kinky time in the bedroom. You can see why I haven't posted - please forgive me.

But I'm not finished. This morning I was looking at female chasity - particularly Agonizing Abstinence. One of my fantasies is that I'm not allowed to cum even when I want to. Settiano came over and saw what I was looking at and became interested. This was unexpected as I've mentioned it many times before but he's never found it something to be a turn on for him - until today. So we've decided that we'd like to experiment. As we're taking it slow, today is the first day of a 5 day abstinence for me. Today I had to edge (reach just before climax) myself once. Tomorrow I have to edge twice. The third day three times. You get the gist. Due to my M.E. if I'm unable to edge for a day due to inability then the task is postponed and I continue with how many edges I was up to the next day. If I don't meet quota then the next day I have to start at one again. I hope I've explained this relatively clearly.

Obviously I was quite horny as we were talking about it so started using my vibe - I just left it on my clit under my clothes while continuing to read about the subject so I was slowly getting closer but not too quickly as I wanted to enjoy the feeling. As I was getting closer, Settiano noticed and became hard. He took out his cock and got me to stroke it. It ended with me giving him a blowjob and him cumming so hard in my mouth that his legs barely held him up afterwards. I had pretty much edged during this as I made sure to rock onto the vibe as I sucked. He had a great orgasm, I had nothing. Am looking forward to tomorrow now and will try and remember to update here.

Changing

i started this blog to document how O/our relationship changes over time. Since then i have learnt that this is much harder to do than i anticipated.

It's not that W/we're not changing, more that the overall change is happening too slow for me to notice. Or else my emotions and feelings change so often that it would be futile to try to recall and write each of them down; it would be like trying to remember and tell every thought you had in a day.

What i have noticed is that my general attitude has changed. i am still the same person but now i'm much more relaxed about being submissive. i still think about what it means to be in a D/s relationship but not nearly as often as i once did. i believe that this is because i am more accepting to it. Not that i didn't want it before, but now i don't (often) want to dictate the relationship. i had an idea of what W/we should be like in my head and when it wasn't like that in real life i got confused or tried to manipulate U/us into my image of U/us. i don't try to do that now.

i've learnt that while W/we might not be how i imagined, W/we are better because W/we instinctively seem to know (usually) what each other needs. So i am now at peace with U/us progressing naturally. i am still just as excited to find out how O/our journey will unravel but now i am more concerned with living the journey rather than measuring the change.

His Cum

For two nights i slept with His cum inside me. i have never felt so owned, nor so content. Every time i moved i was reminded that i am His by His cum leaking down my leg. i let it drip, knowing that that's where it belongs. i didn't want to wipe it away so for two nights i let it dry on me.

Those two nights were a big step for me as i didn't freak out once about what i am giving Him. Because, even though i knew it before, i am now completely certain that this is where i belong. With Him. His. Owned by Him. And it is the best way to lead to happiness.

i'm not saying i won't freak out again. i know me and i know i will. But i also know that now i can cope with the aftermath. i can cope because of Him, not in spite of Him. i am His and he is my Master. W/we belong together, with each other, with His cum in me, on me and wherever else He chooses.

Pain

Master mentioned pain a week or so ago and ever since it has been in my mind. i want to be spanked. Hard. i want to be whipped, flogged, caned. The cane has caught my imagination the most. i imagine it biting into my arse and leaving red marks. Of course i have no way of knowing how it will feel. How any of it will feel as i have only been lightly spanked and flogged so far. Never hard enough to me release tears.

But today the pain scares me. i read this post and suddenly i don't want to know. i hate it when Master hurts my nipples. Even though i know He is barely pinching them. But after reading about that kind of pain i am glad He is not a sadist. But i still don't want Him going near my nipples for a while.

Of course, if He wants it, i will submit. But i already know that if that's what He asks of me right now, it will be the hardest thing ever to submit. i hope i would be able to. If He really wants it.

Subspace

i have had my first experience with subspace. At least that is the only way i can comprehend it. i know it wasn't as deep as i know i will be able to go.

It was completely unexpected and happened sometime during or after Master fucked me. It was intense but not in the way i am used to. And i gained a sense of calm from serving. He was calling me a slut but i knew that right then i wasn't, but it didn't matter because i was His. i became completely focused Him.

After He had fucked me W/we lay together. i don't remember anything else. Except the feeling. i was immersed in Him and felt calm and happy and blissful.

Then i came out of it. Unfortunately i suddenly jumped out of it and was in a state of shock - shaking, cold and crying. Master let me cry, warmed me up and gave me chocolate - it wasn't long before i felt happy again. i can't wait for this feeling to come over me again though i won't look for it. Also i'm hoping i won't come out of it as suddenly as it ruined the emotionality of the feeling and the experience.

Master would like to know if anyone has any ideas as to how He can help ease me out of the subspace state?

Teenager

Yesterday i discovered a new mind-set. i was wearing my little girl dress (so named because the moment i put it on i enter the little girl mind-set) as Master said He missed Hiss little girl. Due to uni stresses for both of U/us she hasn't really had a chance to come out and play. i had been wearing the dress all day in anticipation but with jeans which has no where near the same effect. So when i took the jeans off i felt the transformation into a little girl. When i say little girl i mean i feel/think/act as if i'm between 5 and 8 yrs old (depending on situation) and this time was no differeint for the first few minutes.

That was when something changed. i'm not sure what changed exactly but i felt 15. Granted, a very naive 15 yr old but then again i was a very naive 15 yr old in real life (it's the age i got my first 'real' boyfriend and my first kiss). So yesterday when i felt 15 i had a whole scenario in my mind. i knew i was with my boyfriend who was about 20 (which is His real age) but i also felt as if it was the beginning of the relationship. i felt ready for sex (something i definitely wasn't ready for at 15) yet i was slightly unsure as i felt a virgin.

Now in the back of my mind i knew who i am, how old i am etc. as i always do. But i honestly felt and believed i was the teenager. i didn't act it out, i was it. i know this sounds completely crazy but if i had allowed the back of my mind to switch off i do believe i would have been that 15 yr old until my mind snapped out of it. i didn't need to create her, she was already somewhere inside me and i feel happy for her that she has found a way out to express herself.

i really enjoyed being the teenager - she is the teenager i wish i had been - and i'm looking forward to many experiences with her. There is nothing like being a teenager in love for the first time. Though of course i would take my submission and love for Master any day.