Adieu (for now)

It seems, once again, i am apologizing for my lack of posts.  i had really hoped that this time i would have something to write about, or find a way in which i could say it.  Apparantly that has not been the place.  And so i'm saying adieu to this blog, but only for now.  Master and i have agreed to keep the space open, in case W/we wish to return to it at some point in the future.  Right now W/we must focus on life and university and simply getting through the next few months.

i hope i will find solace in this place once again, but for now, it will simply rust in the depths of cyberspace.  However, i will still try and read and comment once in a while on other blogs and will try to keep my blogroll updated, if nothing else.  So i direct to others who are writing about the BDSM lifestyle and hope you will find something useful and comforting in their words - i know i will.

New Year; New U/us

The last month of last year was filled with ups and downs.  There was a week over Christmas when Master and i were not together physically and it pulled at O/our hearts.  But when He arrived at mine, it seems the distance gave Him the chance to discover more of what He wants as a Dom.  When He arrived He was more forceful and more demanding.  It seemed He had finally found a place inside Him where He was at peace with hurting me (in a completely consensual way).

This is something i've been waiting for since the beginning of O/our relationship - for Him to be more demanding and make me truly feel like a slave.  But i didn't anticipate the emotional fallout it would cause inside me.  i'm still working through what happened as i shut down completely for a day or two, unsure of who or what i was.  But now i feel happy and content.  i don't know what changed, though i know reading D/s blogs helped immensely.  i just know that i'm now looking forward to where this new direction will take U/us.  i know it will challange both of U/us but i truly believe that that is what W/we need.  i know i certainly need to be pushed a little to feel content and now i know that Settiano is capable of being the Master i need.

He is still discovering His dominating style so i know it will still be a little hit and miss for a while.  But now i feel that W/we are on the right track and W/we are moving forward.  And the fact that it happened on the cusp of a new year just makes me smile at the coincidence of the timing.  A new year for new beginnings and for continuing to discover O/ourselves.

An Anecdote

In the past few weeks, Master Settiano has been becoming more forceful in what He wants.  And i am loving it.  i no longer worry that W/we are doing something because i want to do it - i know that if W/we do something it is because He wants it.

A quick example - about a week ago i was feeling particularly slutty wearing a dress and no underwear and i really wanted to get on all fours as He fucked me from behind.  He didn't really feel like doing that.  So instead He brought out my new vibrator (the remote controlled rabbit) and fucked me with it.  It ended with me feeling like the slut i needed to feel like but it was on His terms and therefore fulfilled both of U/us much more than if He'd followed what i wanted.  To be clear, i didn't want Him to use the vibrator and made it quite clear but when He gave me that look (i'm sure you know which one i mean) i opened my legs anyway and just accepted it.  That was the best thing i could possibly have done.  Accepting it took me to a new level of my submission - a level where i know that even if i'm not completely happy doing something, doing it anyway will usually lead to good results.

So basically, it's about trust (as so much of TTWD is) and i feel that i am beginning to learn to trust Settiano's judgement, because He seems to trust Himself.  And by trusting Him, i hope i become a better submissive for Him.

Shaved

Last week i shaved my pubic hair for Master.  i have attempted to keep it shaved since but not doing so well with that as shaving short hairs really doesn't agree with my body.

But anyway, having my pussy shaved is something W/we have talked about many times and W/we were both interested in it.  What W/we weren't prepared for was the emotional reaction i would have to losing my hair down there.  It made me feel naked and exposed - that wasn't the bad part.  i felt as though a part of me was missing (i guess technically it was) and it took me a while to get used to the idea of being 'naked'.  It has been shaved for a week now and i'm beginning to get used to it, though i'm still not sure if i actually like it or not (not that that has any relevance to whether it stays shaved or not).  Master seems to love it and He's fucked me more times this week than He has for a while.  i'd like to think it was just my sexy charm but it would be naive to think that it has nothing to do with being shaved.

my Return

So it seems that the posting sporadically turned into not posting at all and for that, my dear readers, i am truly sorry.  It would be futile for me to explain the past however many months, as i can barely remember them.  There was a period where O/our sexual life pretty much ceased.  And then W/we seemed to find O/our mojo again but only as boyfriend and girlfriend.  And now it seems W/we are back to D/s. 

i always knew W/we would return, it was just a question of when and how.  W/we are still working out the how.  W/we know that i need rules (W/we've scrapped everything from before and starting again) but Settiano wants rules that mean something.  So far the only rule is that i am not to touch my pussy or my breasts without His permission (except when washing and wiping).  This is to bring home that i am His, that i have lost my right to play with my body because it isn't mine - it's His.

W/we are also moving into a place of pain.  Not a lot of pain but He has started enjoying inflicting and i enjoy knowing that i am His to do with what He wants.

So i hope that this time around i'll be a better submissive and a better blogger.  i have missed you all so much and am trying to catch up on blog posts but only from the previous two weeks onwards - if you feel that there is something i probably missed that i should read i would really appreciate you leaving a link.  And i hope that this time around everything will work out better (in both O/our relationship and the relationship i have with all you blogging peeps).

Problems

Day 4 (Friday) started well as you've already read. At about 3pm I started looking at porn. At about 4pm I lay on the bed with my bullet and got to work on my second edge. After reaching the edge I had a little rest but couldn't resist continuing. Unfortunately this was my downfall. Before you ask, no, I did not cum.

I should probably mention here that I used to have a porn/masturbation addiction of sorts. Before I met Settiano I would spend large portions of the day getting myself off and trawling the internet for anything to turn me on. It made me feel disgusting and dirty, which is exactly what turned me on, so I couldn't stop. When I started dating Settiano it died out a little at a time until I didn't even realise that it had stopped.

On Friday it all came back. Playing with myself under the sheets, thinking what a dirty slut I am to get myself closer. Unfortunately when I couldn't reach my third edge it hit me what was happening and it ended in tears.

We decided to leave this little test for another time (I think) and it wasn't until this morning that I had the courage to masturbate as I was so worried how it would effect my emotions and opinions of myself. It went well, I didn't cum but I did (sort of) enjoy it so I'm hoping that I can get back to my normal healthily sexual self. It may take time so please excuse any sporadic posting for a while, thank you.

Day 3

Wednesday Settiano decided to give me an extra edge. The thing is, I'm only allowed to stimulate myself if I'm giving myself an edge - and I have to do the set number of edges for the day. But other than that, Settiano can tease and stimulate me as much or as little as he wants. So on Wednesday he decided to put his fingers on my clit and rub and rub and rub until I couldn't take anymore.

Thursday (Day 3) I awoke a little horny but I was also half asleep. I figured getting to the edge would either wake me up or send me back to sleep so I reached for my vibe and pressed it against my clit. I got right up to the edge before allowing myself to move the vibe away. And for those of you interested, it woke me up. Settiano and I spent the day out (although quite a few hours of that was spent on a bus which was hell as I felt every little bump, gods, I hope one day to try sitting on a dildo on a bus as that will be hell and heaven in one. I didn't get another chance to edge until we were pretty much getting ready for bed. I imagined having my legs spread, my hands cuffed together using the vibe and being watched, surveyed. To add to it Settiano started looking me over which he knows always sets me going as being viewed as a piece of meat always turns me on. He got out his cock but wouldn't let me suck or even look at it much, though I was allowed to give him a short hand job. I almost came.

It took me a few minutes and random talking about nothing to bring me down again. Then it was straight back to using my vibe while Settiano weaved a fantasy (one that I can't even remember now). I got as close to the edge as I think I've ever been. I honestly believe that if I hadn't taken the vibe off when I did it would have been less than a second before I came. My body stayed at that level for quite a while and every sex thought I had made me want to cum so bad. But of course I didn't. Instead I tried to get to sleep. Being that horny made it almost impossible. OK, I did sleep eventually, and I slept well, but I was horny the whole time, even in my dreams I was so horny.

This morning (Day 4) I started using my fingers. However I just couldn't get the effect I wanted so once again I turned to my vibe. Settiano told me to imagine him using me hard and cumming inside me then forcing another woman's head into my pussy to lap up all his cum. It really didn't take me long to get to the edge. Now I'm looking forward to 3 more edges today